First time dom questions: Shaving/Wine

By continuing to browse this web site you are certifying your agreement to its terms of use; please read them if you have not done so already.

First time dom questions: Shaving/Wine
(6 entries)
The following selections from my correspondence with Jake are quoted with Jake's permission.

Email Address omitted by request.

Q: It is my hope that you might be able to lend some guidance to me with regards to initiating a D/s relationship. The desire and personal bent to dominate has always been strongly resident within me, but I have never allowed its expression in real life. Now, I have the opportunity. I have had the privilege of meeting a woman who desires to be submissive, and wishes for me to lead us on this journey together. In many ways, I feel most capable for this task. However, I love this woman deeply and desperately want her to have the best possible experience.

How does one initiate a D/s relationship? What early steps are important in building a solid Dom/sub relationship? What would your suggest for our first "session" together? Your input would be most helpful! We have already discussed what we would consider acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, we have discussed punishments and rewards, established a safety net for her, along with a cut-out term...we have share various scenarios that interest us both. So now, it is simply a matter of beginning. We plan on meeting for dinner next week, then go over to her place. I have formulated some thoughts and ideas on what our first session should encompass, but would welcome your insight.

Thank you in advance for your prompt assistance!


Email Address:

A: Hi, Jake.

Well, it sounds to me like you've done the main part of the advance work, and from here on in there really is no one to guide you but yourselves.

>What would your suggest for our first "session" together?

I'm particularly not good at offering ideas for "first scenes together." My own play style is just not like that of the majority of folks. And even if it were, my view is largely you have to play that by ear. Only the two of you were involved in the negotiation; and only you know what would work for you and for your partner.

My best advice given how well you've obviously prepared and how hopeful you are about the chemistry between the two of you is: Go slow. And then go slower than you think even after you already think you are going slowly. You do not have to do everything you dream this first time. Life is long, and if the relationship is that good, you will have a whole life ahead of the two of you to explore further. So save some of it! Instead of racing through a bunch of activities that are each fine for novices given that you've done your homework (e.g., flogging, wax play, kneeling/orders, some bondage, etc.), pick just one thing that seems to be working and just go with that as deeply as it goes. And then stop when it feels right; and cuddle, decompress, and savor that it worked. Savor the joy of wanting more, and if you are lucky, the longing and desire you have created in your partner to want more. It is a top's honor to leave a partner wanting more even if the two of you never play again; and if you _do_ play together, nothing could be better than the power you exert by the knowledge of what your partner wants and how confident you are that you can achieve that. Or the power that you can choose to deny it in favor of other things. :)

>How does one initiate a D/s relationship? What early steps are important in >building a solid Dom/sub relationship?

In my experience, the most important skill in building a D/s relationship for both partners is to find a way to separate the D/s from the relationship elements. Not all things in life are best handled in the D/s paradigm. Some questions are just best handled by stepping back from the D/s and remembering that the relationship and love/friendship/whatever are separate issues that sometimes require separate attention. The more intricately woven your play and relationship, the harder it sometimes is for the partners to find a way to take a Time Out when things inevitably do get out of synch.

If you can find a way to set up your original D/s relationship to make stepping out easy---for yourself, and for your submissive---when it is an urgent, relationship-breaking matter, you will be happier in the long run. One practical way some folks do this is for the top to give the bottom standing orders to safeword or ask for a time out if something that is going on might lead to internal strife at a relationship level. Another practical method used by many couples is to agree on periodic contract renegotiations---say, every few months at first.

I wish you a great time, and it sounds like you've done your homework!

Email Address omitted by request.

Q: Thank you for your most capable response to my previous question. It would appear that there really are not any hard, fast rules when actually translating fantasy into reality, and that each relationship is different, requiring an approach that is unique to each situation. But I appreciate your counsel on the importance of going slow, and not trying to bite off more than we can chew the first time out.

A question that I have...the woman with whom I am initiating a D/s relationship with has never shaved her pubic hair before. In fact, having a full bush of hair is something she prefers, very much a part of her earthy, natural, feminine allure. My question is that to help establish my control over her, I had thought to shave her during our initial session, and subsequently, require her to keep herself shaved for as long as I desired. What are your thoughts on this? In the realm of D/s, is there some significance or symbolism associated with shaving a sub's pubic hair? What would your suggest for our first "session" together?

Email Address:

Hi, Jake.

> It would appear that there really are not any hard, fast rules when actually
> translating fantasy into reality, and that each relationship is different,
> requiring an approach that is unique to each situation.

Yep. Which I suspect you already knew. :)

> But I appreciate your counsel on the importance of going slow, and not trying
> to bite off more than we can chew the first time out.

It's not just a question of not biting off more than you can chew. It's more that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to do any chewing that could arise. So there is no sense to swallowing till you've chewed it all. :)

On shaving:

I know lots of people do this. As for the symbolism, it's between you and your partner. One kind of symbolism that is sometimes involved is age play or a variant of age play: not having pubic hair is a symbol of youth. For others it might represent certain kinds of eroticism or fetishism or just an acceptable way to look based on what others look like in many available pics. (In the U.S., one of the original rules governing porn magazines were that they were not allowed to show pubic hair; so [no surprise], the way magazines got around this in the 60's and early 70's was by having the models shave their pubic hair! And this became an erotic style if only because it was what was widely available to look at. *chuckle*). For some, there is an element of fear involved with something as sharp as a razor slicing so close to such tender parts.... And for some---and you suggest you are coming at it from this angle yourself---it is a question of control over someone else's body.

There are also some additional side issues. Some people report differences in sensations during sex when the pubic hair has been removed. Some report pleasurably masochistic reactions to different removal techniques: wax versus shaving, etc.

In summary, though, there is no one interpretation, and it is up to you and your partner to figure out what makes it hot for you both.

Email Address omitted by request.

I hope I am not bothering you too much, but I have outlined my thoughts for the initial session, and I wanted to share them with "someone!"....

Thanks again for your help....not much "legitimate" or "experienced" advice around...everyone is a "DomWannabe!"....

Please, tell me what you think...I would welcome your thoughts!....

in gratitude, Jake.

The Master Plan

1. Put on my mask "The Lord has come!" - immediately, she kneels before me, eyes downcast. I walk around her, reiterating the basic ground rules.

2. I instruct her to remove her clothes. When done, I command her to kneel at my feet again. "What are you feeling, my T.?"

3. I lift her head, and command her to stand. I lead her into the bedroom. I command her to lie face down on the bed. I light candles, and put on relaxing music.

4. I proceed to treat her to a luxurious full body massage, all the while encouraging her to open up to me, share the intimacies of her life. During the massage, I gently tease her erogenous zones. This excites her, makes her wet, full of desire. I do not allow her to climax.

5. At the conclusion of the massage, I command her to get up and kneel before me again. With her eyes downcast, I command her to extend up her wrists. I tie them up together, and perhaps, lead her around her house, have her pour me another glass of wine....

6. Then, we return to the bedroom, and I lie her down on her back, and secure her wrists above her head, to the head board. Then, I tie her ankles to the end of the bed, spread eagle. Lastly, I apply her blindfold.

7. As she lies on the bed, I prepare the necessary items. Towels, shaving cream, razor, scissors, powder.

8. History lesson: I ask her to recount all that she knows about Samson and Delilah. Long story short - His strength, power and confidence was in his hair - and by Delilah cutting it off, he was reduced to a submissive weakling. I shave off her pubic hair. Tenderly, I lick my finished work. I tell her that this will be a perennial requirement, something she is to maintain and obey for as long as I desire. She is to keep herself shaved. It will be a constant reminder of my power over her.

9. And now, for the parade of sensations - the fear of anticipation - the moment of trust! Elements of sensory exposure:

a. feather - rubbed all over b. a strawberry cut sideways - smeared onto her nipples, rubbed onto her pussy c. Ice cubes - rubbed onto her nipples, inserted into her pussy d. cold wine - to pour over her nipples as I lick them, or over her pussy as I lick e. a small spoon - to stick inside her pussy, and then spoon feed her. f. a sharp knife - a mindfuck toy - show her the knife, run it along her face, neck, breasts, nipples, down her belly, along her thighs, then switch it with a dull knife or letter opener - place it at the entrance of her pussy, tease her, then push it in! g. hot wax from candle - dripped onto her breasts, nipples, and clit h. clothes pins - clamp them on her breasts, 10 minutes max. i. wine bottle - to shove inside her pussy Jake. small ruler - to smack her ass and clit k. small whip or crop - to smack her clit and ass

10. I expose her to all these items, then turn her over onto her stomach. I gently stroke her back, her ass, her inner thighs, toying with her asshole. Then, I ask her to tell me about her sluttish indiscretions, her wild experiences. As she confesses these things, I ask her what should be the consequences of such whorish behaviour? What should be her punishment? A spanking you say? I can't hear you! Tell me you want to be spanked! Beg me to spank you!!! I hit her ass with my hand, hard and full. How was that? Another? I hit her again, and again...then with the ruler, then with the whip. When her ass is deep red, I stop. I tenderly stroke her hair, run my hands over her burning cheeks.

11. Now comes the crescendo! The method of my "marking, the establishment of my territory, my domination, the transfer of title, the bestowment of new ownership, the epitome of her violation. I ask her "What do you think should come now, my precious? What act to seal our love? Hmmm? Have any suggestions?" She says, "Fuck me in the ass." What did you say? I can't hear you. "Fuck me in the ass!!!" Beg me T! I start to caress her inner thighs, working my way up to her pussy. I rub her clit, getting her ready. I take off my pants and underwear. I slip on a condom. I apply a generous amount of vaseline to my cock. I keep rubbing her clit, put some vaseline on my finger and work it around her asshole. I slowly poke my finger in, letting her adjust to the feel. I work her close to orgasm, and then slide my cock into her ass. I fuck her wildly, until I come, making sure that she comes along with me.

12. Afterwards, I untie her, and cuddle with her, gently playing with her hair, caressing her skin, kissing her openly. We talk intimately, sharing more of ourselves. We discuss how the session went, her feelings and needs...then we discuss our next session, and reaffirm my perennial commands to her.

13. I command her to kneel before me. I praise her and tell her how honored I am to be her Lord. I tell her she is to remain kneeling until I am gone.

End of Session

Email Address:

Hey, Jake.

If you are looking for approval, then it's just fine as a scene! : ) The main thing I'd be aware of is that plans are just that---you can't count on them working perfectly, so it's a good idea to view them as mainly sources of inspiration, guidance, and good ideas. Just be ready to do other things if other things seem like the way to go. Plans are great ways to think in advance about contingencies; but it's not always a great idea to think of them as rules to which you must adhere for the scene to succeed. More often than not, it's the impromptu element of reality and how you deal with those unexpected contingencies that makes a scene connected and memorable.

I do have one comment, though:

>have her pour me another glass of wine

I come from a background that is very dubious of mixing alcohol with BDSM. Alcohol risks compromising many things. From the perspective of the bottom, alcohol potentially compromises everything from consent to the ability to discern "good" from "bad" pain. From the perspective of the top, alcohol potentially compromises the top's ability to respond instantly to situations that are critical and immediate, as well as the ability to interpret nuances of consent, pleasure, pain, and other forms of body language or verbal comments by the bottom.

The top's ability to protect the bottom even in the most unexpected circumstances is a point of pride for many experienced tops and doms. Explicitly eschewing alcohol creates an environment where the top professionally makes clear that he/she takes seriously safety, consent, and control. Alcohol in moderate doses is common in vanilla sex; but avoided as a matter of pride, control, protection, and self-confidence in the BDSM community, at least during or before play. So if there were one thing I were going to suggest to you in your plan, it would be to drop the wine. The astonishment in the bottom's eyes when you explain this is sometimes worth the effect in and of itself. : ) BDSM is already about risk; so why add to the risk in avoidable ways?

Return to Posts Menu
BDSM Bookshop

Copyright ©: 1998, non-famous Lauren
The URL for this site is:

This document is in the following section of this site: Main Documents > Contributing Authors > Non-famous Lauren

If you're new to this site, we recommend you visit its home page for a better sense of all it has to offer.