Out of the Shadows: The Draw of Submission

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The Draw of Submission
(Four entries in thread)

Email Address: debj@erinet.com.

Q: Dear Lauren,

At 43 years old, I have finally began my first journey into the lifestyle as a sub. I met him through the internet and he has truly opened my eyes to a whole new world of thinking and feeling. I became curious when yet another plain vanilla relationship ended and I thought that I would try to steer clear of the love and happily ever after stuff and look for something that was less meaningful and only involved noncommital sex. I was never so wrong in my life! My Master has touched me deeper than anyone I have ever known and I am more committed to him then anyone ever before and we haven't even met yet. We will meet next week. This is new for me and he is married. I would have turned and ran just a few months ago but I am not going to this time. He wants me to learn and talk to other subs, perhaps they can share some of their feelings and insights with me. If you have anything you can share or any advise, I would appreciate it. Thank you for your time.

Email Address: nflauren@submission.net.

A: Hi, Deb.

I think you are in a place a lot of people who explore d/s on the net get to at some point. It's a very exciting place to be, full of hope and heat. First real life experiences with BDSM can be very emotionally powerful, memorable your entire life. I also think your master is wise to encourage you to talk to others, both to hear what they have to offer and to share your own doubts, joys, and concerns. I hope some folks will write to you; and I hope some will post here openly so that others in similar situations to yours can benefit.

One practical piece of advice is for you to look actively to talk to others with three kinds of experiences (since no one will have an exactly analogous situation to yours). I hope you talk to others who have subbed in real life as opposed to only on the net. I hope you talk to other submissives who have started out by being drawn to the powerful feelings of submission on the net and then taken those feelings and relationships to real life---whether or not those moves to real life have succeeded with the original partner who made it possible. And I hope you talk to other submissives who have come to have feelings for a master who lived far away, or those whose master has other commitments (like being married, polyamorously and openly, or not). Each of these three components of what you describe for yourself brings different elements into the complex mix of what submission is about.

With regard to moving from the net to real life, there are a couple of links I know about: Some practical advice about moving relationships from the net to real life on Subnation, and several articles on net/real life transitions on caryl's BDSM Page. And with regard to meeting someone for the first time in real life, I hope you will take seriously the precautions suggested in the post Is it Safe to Meet a Dom in Real Life? No matter how sure you are of your master's honorability, it can't hurt to be careful; and the potential loss from not being careful is severe.

Also useful for finding other submissives to talk to is exploring some of the Groups or Munches in your area or anywhere you might travel. And some books, such as the recommended and widely read Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon also discuss many real-life feelings and experiences of submission.

I hope others will suggest more links, resources, and advice for me to post here!

Email Address: FireRain9@aol.com.

A: I am 47, attractive, intelligent and knew something was off in my relationships with men. I stumbled onto D/s online and almost feel foolish to admit how deep and mind shattering the recognition of what I am and what has been missing in my relationships all these years. I knew I had to explore the submissive side to my nature and desires- It put some of my past choices in a new light. I have not found a R/t Dom to totally commit to, yet - My advice to Deb-the first encounters -may only be that. I feel free, at peace and lol very sexy.

Email Address: moorefam@mindspring.com.

A: Having started the same way in BDSM, online, I can offer a little advice. I've met a number of people in RL after having met them online. The majority have certainly been what they appeared to be, but I did run into a few that had misrepresented themselves. I feel that's a good caution to always have when dealing with the internet, whether in BDSM or basket weaving. *chuckle* I did "click" with some online but then found that in RL the same spark simply wasn't there. Ah well. Expect that sometimes too.

I'm not sure when your RL date is/was set, it might have even happened by now. If it did, I hope it all went well! I found that doing some major talking beforehand helped smooth the meeting. It is absolutely wonderful to find someone with whom you click so well, but be prepared to accept that person as they stated in the beginning. In other words, you said the man was married so understand that's his primary relationship. And I can't help myself but to caution you that the spouse should know about the meeting. I've been involved with one married man who was in a poly marriage and I spoke with the spouse before this man and I ever got involved in RL. I would not be comfortable in a hidden involvement, YMMV obviously.

Beyond that I'm not sure what else to say. I do believe a great relationship can begin on the internet and expanded into RL. I've met some wonderful people online that have come to be very special friends for me in RL. I wish you much luck and happiness in your future.

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