Soc.sexuality.spanking FAQ


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SOC.SEXUALITY.SPANKING FAQ

Summary: This FAQ discusses aspects of erotic spanking as an activity between consenting adults, and answers questions related to the soc.sexuality.spanking newsgroup.

Archive-name: sss_spanking-faq

Posting-Frequency: bi-weekly in soc.sexuality.spanking; monthly in*.answers.

Last-modified: December 15, 1997 -- Version: 1.9

Contributors: Dave in S. CAL, Debbie Ann, Adrian, Alex, C-Red, Llori, John P, Greg, Amy, et al.

Permission is granted to copy and redistribute this document electronically provided that it remains complete and unmodified. (CD publishers take note: this does NOT include you.)

Until the FAQ becomes accepted by the *.answers moderators, the only places to obtain this draft version are the newsgroup soc.sexuality.spanking, and the S.S.S. Resource Site at <http://www.amythest.com/sss/>.

The Soc.Sexuality.Spanking Resource Site, <http://www.amythest.com/sss/>, is a resource for the soc.sexuality.spanking community. There you can find both HTML and text versions of this FAQ, the SSS Charter, as well as other information relevant to soc.sexuality.spanking -- moderation information, privacy issue information , "town and resident" information, etc. The site is designed to be ever changing in response to the needs of this growing community.

Comments on this document can be sent to Greg <perignon@hotmail.com
> -or- Amy <Amy@amythest.com>


Contents of this FAQ:

NOTE: Click on an Entry to go directly to that Topic.

1. INTRODUCTION TO S.S.S.

1.1 What is soc.sexuality.spanking all about?

1.2 Why a new group, and why is it moderated?

1.3 What exactly is moderation?

1.4 What does moderation mean for me?

1.5 Why is this newsgroup so friendly?

1.6 Is spanking a form of BDSM?

1.7 What is the difference between spanking and spousal abuse?

1.8 What is the difference between spanking and flagellation?

1.9 Is it possible to meet people through this newsgroup?

1.10 Is it appropriate to post personal ads here?

1.11 What is alt.personals.spanking?

1.12 Is it appropriate to post binaries here?

1.13 What is alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking?

1.14 Might I find certain postings to be offensive or distasteful?

1.15 What is "delurking" and how do I do it?

1.16 What is the roster and why should I submit an entry?

1.17 I'm female. Will I be inundated with unwelcome e-mail solicitations if I delurk or list an entry in the roster?


2. NEWSGROUP ETIQUETTE

2.1 What is appropriate to post here?

2.2 What is inappropriate to post here?

2.3 What are common mistakes made by newcomers?

2.4 Is it appropriate to flame hetero-centric language and attitudes?

2.5 Is it appropriate to post real-life experiences or stories involving the spanking of children?

2.6 Is it appropriate to discuss the legitimacy of spanking as a form of discipline for children in real life?

2.7 Is it appropriate to discuss news stories about spanking such as the Michael Faye caning?

2.8 How should stories be titled and introduced?

2.9 Are male/male spanking stories appropriate to post here?


3. COMMONLY USED TERMS AND ABBREVIATIONS

3.1 Post Types

3.2 Keywords Found in Story Subject Lines

3.3 Abbreviations and Definitions found on soc.sexuality.spanking


4. SPANKING ORIGINS, FANTASIES, EROTICISM

4.1 I've been fascinated by spanking since I was a child. Am I alone?

4.2 Do my fantasies have to be consistent with my values and ethics?

4.3 Will my interest in spanking escalate into other forms of kinky sex?


5. SPANKING PLAY

5.1 I'd like to reveal my spanking interests to my partner but am afraid of being rebuffed. What should I do?

5.2 I've approached everything well but my partner still reacts badly. What shoud I do?

5.3 I've never been spanked before but would like to be. What should I do?

5.4 I've never given a spanking before but would like to. What should I do?

5.5 I feel silly when I try to play out spankings. How do I make my experiences meet my fantasies?

5.6 What does consensuality mean?

5.7 What is a safeword?

5.8 Is there a consensus here regarding consensuality and safewords?

5.9 My partner or I have a low tolerance for pain. Will we be able to enjoy spankings?

5.10 How can I get my partner to spank me harder?

5.11 How do I minimize the risk of physical injury during spanking play?

5.12 Can you offer suggestions on how bruising can be prevented - or at least minimized?

5.13 Treating a bruise


6. MORE SPANKING ON THE INTERNET

6.1 Other Usenet Groups

6.2 Web Sites

6.3 IRC Channels

6.4 Spanking Mailing Lists


1. INTRODUCTION TO S.S.S.

1.1 What is soc.sexuality.spanking all about?

Soc.sexuality.spanking (s.s.s.) is a moderated group that came into existence as a result of the growth of off-topic (commercial and binary) posts that began to dominate alt.sex.spanking (a.s.s.). The discussions on s.s.s. cover topics dealing with spanking in an erotic context, whether as fantasy or real experiences. In addition, s.s.s. includes discussions on real life discipline between adults, and sightings of spanking scenes in books, t.v., and movies.


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1.2 Why another group, and why is it moderated?

The reason for the move to a moderated newsgroup in a new hierarchy was to ensure that the high signal-to-noise ratio (On-Topic vs. Off-Topic posts) that made a.s.s. so popular early on, was given new life. After long discussion in a.s.s., it was determined that the most effective way to ensure control over the modern spam phenomenon and other off-topic posts, was to moderate the group.


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1.3 What exactly is moderation?

Moderation is an invisible process for anyone whose posts remain on-topic. Moderation ensures that the majority of articles posted to soc.sexuality.spanking are on-topic; that is, that the posts meet the basic criteria outlined in the s.s.s. charter. Moderation is accomplished with a combination of a robotic (or automatic) moderator (the bot), and human moderators .

The bot filters posts automatically, based on the s.s.s. charter criteria. The human moderators are responsible for communication with posters who make inappropriate posts, for ensuring that questions from posters who do not understand why their posts were rejected are answered promptly, and for answering technical questions about the newsgroup.


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1.4 What does moderation mean for me?

It means that your time in s.s.s. will be more enjoyable, as you won't have to spend as much time wading through the volume of spam that infests most sex-topic groups. It means that the stories and discussion threads will be easy to find, and easy to follow.


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1.5 Why is this newsgroup so friendly?

The vast majority of people who post to s.s.s want to talk about spanking rather than to argueor fight. Many felt that a.s.s. had the highest signal-to-noise ratio of any of the alt.sex newsgroups. People whose only contributions were flames were not well received. Regaining the feelings of community and support was the reason for the formation of s.s.s, and in s.s.s. the tradition of welcoming newcomers with open arms continues.


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1.6 Is spanking a form of BDSM?

Whether one considers spanking a sub-set of BDSM (bondage, discipline; dominance, submission; sadism, masochism) is a matter of personal preference. Some people relate only to spanking, while some relate to the broader spectrum of BDSM.


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1.7 What is the difference between spanking and spousal abuse?

At a minimum, the difference would be whether there was consent of the person receiving the spanking. If it is an erotic spanking, the recipient has the right to getting some kind of pleasure from it. If it is for real life discipline, there has to be a clear understanding of the conditions of that framework, and the consent of the receiver to those conditions. See Sections 5.6 thru 5.8 of this FAQ for more detailed discussions of consensuality.


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1.8 What is the difference between spanking and flagellation?

Spanking is a subset of flagellation. The spankings of interest to s.s.s. are reminiscent of childhood spankings that were administered at home and school and that were applied primarily to the buttocks. This includes spankings with hands, paddles, belts, straps, hairbrushes, switches, and canes.


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1.9 Is it possible to meet people through this newsgroup?

Yes. By becoming a positive participant of s.s.s., others may become interested in meeting you. While there appears to be a higher than normal ratio of females to males in this newsgroup, males still outnumber females so women will find it easier to meet men, and men will find it easier to meet other men.


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1.10 Is it appropriate to post personal ads here?

No. Those who post personal ads will receive a note explaining that personals should be posted to alt.personals.spanking, alt.personals.spanking.punishment, or soc.personals.


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1.11 What is alt.personals.spanking?

Alt.personals.spanking is the appropriate newsgroup for posting to or reading, when seeking spanking partners thru personal ads. Other appropriate groups are alt.personals.spanking.punishment, and soc.personals.


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1.12 Is it appropriate to post binaries here?

No. Binaries will be rejected under the terms of moderation. Please post binaries to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking.


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1.13 What is alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking?

Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking is the appropriate newsgroup to post binaries (pictures) of spanking erotica.


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1.14 Might I find certain postings to be offensive or distasteful?

Yes. You should assume that there will always be some articles that do not conform to your tastes or sensibilities. If a significant portion of the articles offend you then this newsgroup is probably not for you. If you believe certain things should be censored then YOU take responsibility, and censor what YOU read.


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1.15 What is "delurking" and how do I do it?

To "lurk" is to read a newsgroup without posting. To "delurk" is to begin posting to a newsgroup, usually with an introduction. Your introductory post is a good time to tell people about yourself and your particular tastes in spanking. The delurks that seem to generate the best responses are ones with distinctive headers (ie Delurk from Sara, or The Bronx Bomber Delurks).

Good information to include in a delurk post includes, but is not limited to: childhood spanking experiences, sexual spanking experiences, the kinds of articles you like to see posted to soc.sexuality.spanking, your particular spanking tastes, etc.

Of course, you are free to post anything you like but negative criticism right out the gate will not endear you to the other participants. Many are content to read the posts of others; however, those who participate by posting are able to realize the full potential of what this newsgroup has to offer.


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1.16 What is the roster and why should I submit an entry?

The S.S.S. Roster is similar to a club roster. It is a compilation of brief spanking biographies of some of the participants of this newsgroup. It is updated and posted every month or two.

The roster is currently maintained by Witness. To submit an entry, fill out a "roster template" and e-mail it to <witness@xs4all.nl>. The roster template is posted with each updated roster. If you have missed the most recent posting, a copy of the current roster and the template is located at <http://www.xs4all.nl/~witness/roster/>. More detailed instructions are included with the template.

There are several reasons why you might want to list your entry in the roster. The roster serves as an extended delurk so that others who come along later may become familiar with you even though your initial delurk is gone. You may wish to include geographical information so that others in your area may contact you.


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1.17 I'm female. Will I be inundated with unwelcome e-mail solicitations if I delurk or list an entry in the roster?

As is the case with most sex-topic newsgroups, females generally get more attention than males. Some of this attention comes in the form of e-mail and there is always the risk that you may find a particular message to be offensive; however, the female participants of soc.sexuality.spanking have reported that, for the most part, the e-mail they've received is polite. Again, soc.sexuality.spanking is a cut above most other sex-topic newsgroups.

If, for whatever reason, you absolutely, positively, cannot receive spanking-related e-mail then *DO NOT* post to soc.sexuality.spanking unless you are using a reliable anonymous re-mailer. To post with the admonition not to respond is to place an unrealistic amount of faith in the willingness of hundreds of thousands of anonymous people to respect your wishes.


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2. NEWSGROUP ETIQUETTE

2.1 What is appropriate to post here?

Just about any text that relates to erotic spanking -- fiction, real-life anecdotes, childhood memories, questions, advice, scene information, etc.


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2.2 What is inappropriate to post here?

Non-text material is never appropriate. Please post spanking pictures to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage (a.b.p.e.b.), or preferably toalt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking (a.b.p.e.s.), although it is still not available on many servers. You can then include a short post in s.s.s to point to the binary group where it was posted (ideally, giving the message-id of your binary post).

Personal ads, material that is not primarily spanking-oriented, discussions relating to spanking as a form of discipline for children, and gratuitous flames are also inappropriate. Ads should be posted to alt.personals.spanking, alt.personals.spanking.punishment, or soc.personals; general BDSM material should be posted to alt.sex.bondage or soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; discussions regarding the value of spanking as a form of discipline for children should be posted to alt.parenting.spanking; and personal disagreements belong in e-mail, not in the public forum.


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2.3 What are common mistakes made by newcomers?

Posting spanking binaries outside of a.b.p.e.b. or a.b.p.e.s. Discussing personal grudges in public posts rather than through e-mail. Attempting to brand as inappropriate that which is, in fact, appropriate. Flaming and whining.


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2.4 Is it appropriate to flame heterocentric language and attitudes?

No. Many heterosexuals read and post to s.s.s. and are to be extended the same level of courtesy and tolerance by gays that gays demand of hets. Do not flame hets for failing to purge their language of heterocentric references or for failing to acknowledge the validity of the Gay/Lesbian lifestyle. This is a forum for the discussion of erotic spanking, not political correctness.


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2.5 Is it appropriate to post real-life experiences or stories involving the spanking of children?

Yes. Many of us either experienced or witnessed spankings as a child and the recounting of these experiences is appropriate to post. Furthermore, many spanking stories involve children being spanked and these are also appropriate to post here. This is a sensitive area and requires the ability to distinguish between what one fantasizes about and what one acts upon. See section 2.8 of this FAQ for information about how stories should be titled and introduced.

Blatant descriptions of sexuality involving children are offensive to many here (and to society at large) and are to be approached with caution. There does not seem to be a clear consensus on where the line is drawn but suffice to say the emphasis should be on spanking rather than on other forms of sexuality.


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2.6 Is it appropriate to discuss the legitimacy of spanking as a form of discipline for children in real life?

No. This is best left to alt.parenting.spanking. This is a sensitive area since s.s.s. is a forum for the discussion of spanking as a form of adult play, NOT a forum for discussing the validity of parental discipline.


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2.7 Is it appropriate to discuss news stories about spanking such as the Michael Faye caning?

Yes. These are appropriate to post and discuss here because many of us find real-life experiences to be erotic. Again, we try to avoid having the discussion degrade into an argument about the legitimacy of corporal punishment.


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2.8 How should stories be titled and introduced?

Because tastes vary, it is customary to use descriptive titles when posting a story. For example, if a story named "School Days" involves the paddling of an 8-year-old boy by a female teacher, an appropriate title might be "School Days (child spanking, F/m)". It is also common for authors to list potentially controversial elements in an introduction as a warning (or enticement). Sensitive areas include non-consensuality, same-sex spanking, childhood spanking, explicit sexuality, and elements of general BDSM. See Section 3 of this FAQ for a list of commonly used abbreviations.


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2.9 Are male/male spanking stories appropriate to post here?

Yes, male/male stories are appropriate to post here. If you don't like them, don't read them. Do not flame people because they post male/male spanking stories. Do not flame people because they are gay or bisexual.


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3. COMMONLY USED TERMS AND ABBREVIATIONS

3.1 Post Types

AD --> A post by someone with something to sell, or from a commercial web site.

ADMIN --> Posts of an administrative nature, such as the weekly 'Bot report.

Debporn --> a particular type of story post which features severe, family setting discipline/humiliation including very raw anal/crotch spankings. May or may not include sex. Very intense. Not for the squeamish. May or may not have other labels.

FABLE --> A story with a moral.

FAQ --> Frequently Asked Questions.

HUMOR --> Joke posts or amusing stories.

OFF-TOPIC --> Generally a post that does not directly relate to or refer to spanking, but one that may be of interest to the group.

REPOST or RELOAD --> A previously posted story being posted again.

SSC --> Short Story Contest. Most often a story entry, but also identifies rules or contest administrative posts.

STARTLE --> A post that describes a real life event that was not intended to be related to spanking, but that could have been taken that way.

STORY --> A tale which may be either fiction or real life. Generally, but not always, if the story is real life (RL), that will be indicated in the subject line. There is no guarantee that labels will be accurate, and the reader must always be aware that s/he is solely responsible for what s/he reads. If a story gets into an area where *you* are uncomfortable, it is up to *you* to take responsibility and stop reading it.

QUESTION or ?? --> A post soliciting comments and answers from the group.

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3.2 Keywords Found in Story Subject Lines

Note: The terms listed below are by no means required to post a story. They are simply guidelines to help both those who are looking for a particular type of story and those who are turned off by certain activities. Putting keywords in the subject line will give readers an idea of the story content without having to download the entire post, and reduces the chances of a reader being "squicked" (see below). It is not necessary to choose words from each category below, only the ones you feel are important for the readers to know.

Participants - x/y (x spanks y), where x and y are:

F--> adult female
f--> young female
M--> adult male
m--> young male

b --> pre-teen male child
g --> pre-teen female child

Examples:

F/m--> adult female spanks young male
M/Ff--> adult male spanks an adult female and a young female
MF/bg--> boy and girl are spanked by two adults

(Note: if two people switch roles, use 'F/M, M/F', not 'FM/MF' which
implies there are four people in the scene)

Methods:

otk (over-the-knee)
hand
paddle
cane
crop
strap
etc.

Scene types:

otk (over-the-knee)
hand
paddle
cane
crop
strap
etc.

Scene types:

r/l or rl --> real life
school --> teacher spanks student
public --> with spectators
office --> discipline at work
relig. --> spare the rod...

Other Descriptive Terms:

anal --> anal penetration

bond --> bondage (physical restraint)

cons --> consensual

debporn --> a particular type of story (made popular by Debbie Ann) which features severe, family setting discipline/humiliation including very raw anal/crotch spankings. May or may not include sex. Very intense. Not for the squeamish.

edgy --> heavy b&d (drawing blood, breast/genital torture, etc.)

heavy --> a "heavy" spanking

incest --> incestuous relationships

nc, non-con --> non-consensual situations

oral --> mouth-to-genital contact

sex --> penetration

teen --> involving a teenager


Squick --> To disgust someone with an activity past the limit of his/her tolerance; e.g., "Watching that hard caning squicked me!"


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3.3 Abbreviations and Definitions found on soc.sexuality.spanking

Newsgroup abbreviations:

a.b.p.e.b. --> alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage - one appropriate newsgroup for spanking pictures

a.b.p.e.s. --> alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking - the most appropriate newsgroup for spanking pictures, still not available on some servers

a.s.b. --> alt.sex.bondage

a.s.s .--> alt.sex.spanking

s.s.b. or s.s.b.b. --> soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm

s.s.s. --> soc.sexuality.spanking


Assville --> The online spanking community created by those who frequent alt.sex.spanking, Assville has its own coffee shop (where the Chief of Police can frequently be found); a thriving business district; and even its very own bag lady. Due to its continued growth, Assville is now spilling over into soc.sexuality.spanking, which will make the community even more fun to explore. Feel free to stroll around town, chat with the folks on the street, and generally make yourself at home.

Asssville --> The online spanking community created by those who frequent soc.sexuality.spanking. Asssville is a sister city to Assville, above.


Terminology about people:

bottom --> One receiving a spanking

Switch --> One who likes both giving and receiving spankings

Top --> One giving a spanking


Sie --> Gender-neutral pronoun equivalent to "She or He"

Hir --> Gender-neutral pronoun equivalent to "Him or Her" or possessive pronoun equivalent to "His or Her"


Abbreviations found in Posts:

AFAIK --> As Far As I Know

BTW --> By The Way

CHUDWAH --> Clueless Heterosexual Dom Wannabe

FAQ --> Frequently Asked Question(s)

FWIW --> For What It's Worth

FYI --> For Your Information

GIF/JPEG --> Compression formats for digital pictures (binaries)

HNG --> Horny Net Geek

IMHO --> In My Humble Opinion

IMNSHO --> In My Not-So-Humble Opinion

IMX --> In My Experience

IRC--> Internet Relay Chat

LOL --> Laughing Out Loud

MMF --> Make Money Fast, the Usenet's infamous chain-letter

MOTAS/OS/SS --> Member of the Appropriate Sex/ Opposite Sex/ Same sex

OTOH --> On The Other Hand

PISS --> Passive Ignorance Silence Strike

RL --> Real Life

ROTFL(MAO) --> Rolling On The Floor Laughing (My Ass Off)

RTFM --> Read the F***ing Manual

SO --> Significant Other

WIITWD --> What it is that We Do

WTH --> What The Heck/Hell

WRT --> With Respect To

YKINOK --> Your Kink is not OK

YKIOKIJNMK --> Your Kink is OK, It's Just not My Kink

YMMV --> Your Mileage may Vary

24/7 --> 24 hours, 7 days/week, full time


< > --> anything in brackets denotes action. e.g.: <smiling> or <shaking head>

<g> --> grin

<bg>, <G> --> big grin

<eg> --> evil grin

<ng> --> nasty grin

<veg> --> very evil grin

<wg> --> wicked grin

(or any silly combination of the above -- i.e. <vbnewg> --> very big, nasty, evil, wicked grin)


Some Useful Definitions

Lurker --> Someone who reads a group, but doesn't post

Delurk --> The act of announcing your presence to the community at large, frequently accompanied by personal info or a story.


Squick --> To disgust someone with an activity past the limit of his/her tolerance; e.g., "Watching that hard caning squicked me!"


Flame --> A vitriolic attack in response to a post, generally on a personal level.

Flamebait --> An offensive article designed to incite a large number of responses, thus drowning out more relevant discussions. If a flamebait is cross-posted, each response will be cross-posted to every group unless the newsgroup line is edited (Cf. Jello). A subject line in all caps is a good indication of a flamebait.

Troll --> See Flamebait. The term either comes from 'trawl' (to drag a big net to catch large numbers of unwary fish) or from the legendary creature that waits under a bridge for an unsuspecting goat to cross.


Spam --> An article (almost always an ad or personal) posted to a large number of groups which is clearly irrelevant to the group. Technically, a spam is posted one group at a time, while a Velveeta/Jello is cross-posted.

Velveeta --> An inappropriate article that is massively cross-posted to other groups either to save on typing for the poster, or to avoid detection by automated Spam-seeking Bot programs.

Jello --> A flamebait posted as a Spam/Velveeta, designed to incapacitate the affected groups. The alt.sex.* hierarchy is a favorite target for Jello posts.


Killfile --> A file used by some newsreaders containing a list of subjects, names, or keywords to be deleted from the unread article list
before it is displayed.

Plonk --> To add someone to your killfile.


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4. SPANKING ORIGINS, FANTASIES, EROTICISM

4.1 I've been fascinated by spanking since I was a child. Am I alone?

No. Just the traffic on this newsgroup is indicative of a widespread interest in spanking. Vendors of spanking erotica have customer bases of thousands. Double entendres about spanking abound on sitcoms. Bondage parlors around the world have always done a brisk business in spankings. You have plenty of company.


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4.2 Do my fantasies have to be consistent with my values and ethics?

No. Just as it is possible to have a rape fantasy without condoning rape, it is possible to fantasize about spanking without condoning physical abuse. Many of us feel that our actions must be consistent with our values and that by playing spanking games that are safe and consensual, we remain within our ethical bounds.


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4.3 Will my interest in spanking escalate into other forms of kinky sex?

Maybe, maybe not. If you already relate to other forms of BDSM or kinkiness, then exploring spanking may allow you to feel comfortable with further explorations. However, there are many people who relate to spanking only and play with it their entire lives without a desire to "diversify".


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5. SPANKING PLAY

5.1 I'd like to reveal my spanking interests to my partner but am afraid of being rebuffed. What should I do?

Keep in mind that if spanking is a sexual turn on for you, it should be treated just like any other sexual turn on in your relationship. If it is 'too early' for you to be talking about sex, it's probably too early for you to be talking about spanking. However, assuming you're already talking about sex, there are some things you should remember when talking about spanking as a part of sexplay .

You should try to be relaxed about your desires. If you seem nervous, your partner might pick up on it, and react badly. Playful swats are exchanged in many 'normal' relationships; what you're asking for is just more of this 'normal' playfulness that couples engage in. And your play will be consensual, so no one will be forced into something s/he dislikes.

You have no particular reason to feel bad about asking for spanking play. There is the possibility that your partner will refuse to engage in spanking play at all; but, that is a danger in asking for any form of sexual expression. While it can be painful to find out that you can not engage in your favorite fantasies with someone you love, it is nevertheless one of the risks of any relationship and any fantasy.


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5.2 I’ve approached everything well but my partner still reacts badly. What should I do?

First, try to figure out why you got a bad reaction.

It is possible your partner has been raised to believe that 'hitting"'is wrong. In this case you must help your partner understand that hitting and spanking are, for you, two totally different things. Reassure your partner that you have no desire to be 'hurt', and that for you, spanking is erotic stimulation.

Your partner or someone close to your partner may have been spanked or beaten as a child, and talk about spanking might open those bad memories back up. In this case, make sure your partner realizes that you were talking about playful spankings, not real ones, and then try to let the subject drop for the time being unless your partner wants to discuss it further.

It's also possible that your partner doesn't have severe emotional problems with spankings, but simply considers spankings as sexplay 'weird' or 'sick'. In this case, there is probably not much you can do.

While people are often irrational about what is 'proper' sexplay, that irrationality should not splash back onto you! If your partner decides that spanking is not good sexplay, that's one thing; if your partner considers YOU to be 'sick' for wanting to engage in spanking play, there may be something seriously wrong with your relationship. Partners should not consider each other's desires to be 'sick', even if they don't want to engage in them personally. In this case, you may have to decide if the relationship is worth continuing.


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5.3 I've never been spanked before but would like to be. What should I do?

In some senses, it is easier to be a spankee than a spanker. You don't have to worry about your partner thinking that you want to hurt him or her.However, asking for a spanking comes with its own set of dangers.

The biggest thing you want to be careful about is pressuring your partner. Unless your partner is already into spanking, it's very likely that s/he has no idea what your looking for, and thus, has no idea what you want. This can be very nerve-wracking! It isn't easy to do something that you feel is hurtful to someone you care for.

Be patient. Your partner can't read your mind, and s/he can't feel the pleasure that comes with the pain of a spanking. Your partner doesn't know what effect s/he is having on your bottom so help your partner learn what you like without being discouraging. When you receive a spanking that you enjoy try to make it clear to your partner that s/he has made you happy. Reacting in such a way is not only a good relationship builder, it helps your partner get over the nervousness of 'hurting' you and is a good way to help your partner get turned on by spanking you.

Don't be afraid to guide your partner; you may feel silly laying over your partner's lap and saying "okay, try just a bit harder this time", but the long term benefits are worth it. . . both in getting better spankings, and in improving communication.

Most importantly, give your partner time to get used to each new 'level' of spanking. Do not try to push your partner too fast; that's a sure recipe for making your partner feel frightened or inadequate.


If you are adverse to asking for a spanking, you can try teasing and being 'naughty' and hinting that you deserve one; however, unless your partner is already into spanking, and unless you are looking for fairly mild, playful spankings, you'll probably have to talk to your partner sooner or later about your desires.


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5.4 I've never given a spanking before but would like to. What should I do?

In some ways, this is easier than wanting to be spanked, because you can take a more active role. However, unless your partner is already into receiving spankings, or unless your desires are satisfied by giving fairly mild spankings, you'll probably have to talk to your partner about your desires sooner or later.

Be clear about your desires. While most people can end up dealing with mild spankings, severe spanking is definitely not a taste that you can or should expect someone to acquire. If you can't get turned on except by fairly severe spankings, you may well end up having to find someone who is already into being spanked. However, even if you can be satisfied with playful, relatively mild, spankings, there are still some issues to keep in mind.

First, before even thinking about pain, think about the emotional aspects. Never spank someone for a 'real' fault or mistake unless your relationship already has that aspect to it. Never suggest that your partner is submissive in any way, shape, or form, other than in taking a spanking, unless your relationship already has that aspect to it. Most importantly, learn and respect your partner's preferences in dealing with a spanking; you're already asking to do something "harmful" to your partner; don't push your partner into a bad emotional state at the same time!

Next, start slowly. The best 'first swat' is one that is given over full clothing as a teasing or playful gesture. This lets you measure your partner's emotional reaction to spanking, and lets you decide if you want to press the issue. Be careful on those first few swats! A single spank that hits too hard might give your partner the idea that you're into 'pain', not 'spanking'. If your partner reacts well to these initial swats, you might want to try to go further. If you do so, however, be extremely careful! Yes, it can be a bit embarrassing to admit that you would like to take your partner over your knee and administer a good spanking; it can be a lot worse to have to apologize for having hurt your partner, either physically or emotionally.

In any case, patience is an absolute necessity. If your partner isn't 'naturally' into spanking, you have to make sure that every spanking you administer is a pleasant experience. Since the spanking itself my not be pleasant, make sure that your partner always gets something pleasant out of the experience. This helps link your playful spankings to pleasure for your partner, and will actually help your partner enjoy more and even harder spankings. Work slowly, not just physically, but psychologically. If your partner ends up enjoying light spanks over underpants, do not assume that your partner will like the same 'physical level' of spanks on the bare bottom! There is little physical difference, but the psychological difference is immense.

When working on an uncertain person, spank fairly gently, and mix your hard spanks with softer ones, and with lots of rubbing and caresses. Even a person who doesn't specifically like spankings might learn to enjoy a few hard swats to bring about a sting, followed by kisses and caresses for contrast.

Finally, and most importantly, let your partner be your guide. Learn to read your partner for signs that say when you're spanking too hard. Also learn to read your partner for when you've actually gotten to the 'right' level of spanking! While your spankings may simply be something your partner 'puts up with' for the pleasure of being your lover, it's even better if you both end up enjoying the spankings.


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5.5 I feel silly when I try to play out spankings. How do I make my experiences meet my fantasies?

You have to keep in mind that your fantasies are 'perfect images' while your experiences probably won't be. In your mind, no one ever spanks toohard, too light, too fast, or too slow. Your partner cannot read your mind and thus may spank harder or lighter or faster or slower than you want. In your mind the other person always says exactly the right things. Your partner may not use those words.

If you don't enjoy role play, and there's role playing involved in your spankings, you are being distracted from the 'main event'. Similarly, if you love role play, but aren't getting any, you're not getting any 'foreplay', as it were, before the main event. Negotiation regarding the level and type of role play with your partner will help a lot. But sometimes the level and type of role play seems to be working but you still feel, ... well ... silly getting into the roles.

It does take practice. There's a certain kind of 'magic' woven through roleplaying, and the 'spell' is best served through completely letting yourself go into the role. The "scolding parent" will have a harder time keeping a straight face if the "repentant teen" can't. . . but if the teen looks nervous and embarrassed and guilty, the parent will have a much easier time staying in character. This will make the scene seem more real and more enjoyable for everyone. It might feel silly at first; it gets easier over time.


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5.6 What does consensuality mean?

In general, consensuality means that both parties (the spanker and the spankee) wish to engage in spanking play with each other and both are able to stop the play at any time for any reason. Consensuality is more difficult to define for spanking than for other types of erotic play. For some, getting punished against one's will for a misdeed is a powerful fantasy. To play out this fantasy thus requires some degree of non-consent. However, at some point before the activity there should have been some sort of understanding of what the conditions or boundaries would be. A pleasurable (even if painful) experience for both participants should be the ultimate goal of an erotic spanking session.


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5.7 What is a safeword?

A safeword is a word that is used to stop spanking play immediately. A safeword serves two purposes. It functions as a safety valve to prevent the prolonged violation of limits. And, it allows the spankee to engage in mock protests without confusing the spanker.

Common safewords are "red", "mercy", "uncle", and believe it or not "aardvark" (it must be a west-coast thing). Some people also use cautionarywords such as "yellow" to signal that the play is getting close to the limits and should be softened but not stopped.

Safewords seem to be more widely used in the general SM scene than in the spanking scene; however, it is considered wise practice especially when playing with someone for the first time. There are some pitfalls to watch for, however. The use of a safeword does not relieve the spanker of the responsibility to read and respond to non-verbal cues. Safewords can give a false sense of security to both parties which is dangerous if other forms of communication are ignored.

It is considered bad form to intentionally force someone to use their safeword.


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5.8 Is there a consensus here regarding consensuality and safewords?

Yes and no. It is a commonly held view here that spanking play should be consensual; however, a number of tedious, circular discussions have occurred regarding the right of a submissive to relinquish consensuality (but isn't that still consensual?) or the necessity of an explicit safeword (otherwise you don't have true consensuality). This issue stirs extremely strong emotions for no apparent reason. The consensus here is that it is not always necessary to use a safeword to achieve consensuality.


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5.9 My partner or I have a low tolerance for pain. Will we be able to enjoy spankings?

It depends. It is possible to work around a low pain tolerance with a good deal of patience and role play. . . but it won't work at all if one of the partners simply doesn't enjoy the gentler spankings required.

Try spanking over full clothing. Good fitting blue jeans are a prime choice because they shape the bottom but provide a great deal of protection against sting. Even underpants will provide a lot of protection from sting as long as you're not really trying to hurt your partner.

Also, experiment with implements. There are a wide variety of implements that provide a lovely 'smacking' sound with very little effect, especially through underpants. Light, thin wood paddles, or thin leather wielded somewhat gently work well for this. Some cloth belts also make a good 'show', but don't tend to snap quite as well. Also, some of the implements you'll find in adult toy stores are made for exactly this purpose: making a heck of a show, with little actual effect.

Finally, start very slowly. A slowly built up spanking will cause less pain, and will also help build up a person's tolerance for spankings. People DO gain 'tougher butts' over time!


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5.10 How can I get my partner to spank me harder?

If your partner actively enjoys spanking you already, you can probably just provide some gentle encouragement. If your partner is not a 'natural spanker', however, s/he could very well be terrified of 'really' hurting you. This is an extremely hard thing to get over. Or, your partner may be 'freaked out' by seeing you enjoy yourself from something that's so obviously 'painful'. That is why the first step is to avoid pressure. Your partner has some real, honest to goodness issues to deal with.

One thing that will help is trust. Make sure your partner knows that you *WILL* call a halt if it hurts too much. At the same time, joke about how tough your butt really is, and how much it takes to 'really' hurt. If you can do it without embarrassment, a demonstration of your 'prowess' might help. When your partner sees you smack yourself, hard, and sees that you really didn't react badly, s/he might get over any timidity. (BTW, when doing such a demonstration, make sure your partner can see your face; a 'traditional' spanking leaves your face hidden, so your partner can't see if you're smiling blissfully or fighting back tears.) It might help to make a kind of game out if it, too. Bet something your partner likes against spanks for you, then coach your partner during your reward spanks.

It also helps, as always, if you can give feedback for every step forward. If every harder spank gets a "Oh, MUCH better!", the spanks will get harder and harder! Also, don't be afraid to stop a good spanking in the middle for a long kiss of appreciation; again, you might be sacrificing a prime spanking now, but you'll be setting up better ones to come!

DO NOT mock or tease your partner for not spanking hard enough; this may feel like you're insulting your partner and can lead to badly hurt feelings. NEVER FORGET that a reluctance to spank hard is grounded in some beautiful, caring feelings. You want your partner to see why those feelings don't apply to your bottom; you certainly don't want to get rid of them altogether!


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5.11 How do I minimize the risk of physical injury during spanking play?

It is the responsibility of both parties to play safely. Just as the spanker is responsible for respecting limits, the spankee is responsible for communicating limits. While the spankee may be playing a submissive role in the scene, he or she still has a real-life responsibility to assure safe play.

A common mistake of beginning spankers is to play at too fast a pace. This may not allow the spankee enough time to warm up or to communicate if there is a problem. At least at first, spankers should take a slow, deliberate pace.

The spanker should avoid spanking near or above the tail-bone. The swats should be focused on the fleshy portions of the cheeks. Extra caution should be taken when using instruments because of the increased sensation they can administer and because they can cause actual physical harm if misused. Heavy wooden paddles probably require the most caution, especially when the spankee is bent over.

Assuming you have a trustworthy partner, you can minimize your risk of physical harm by playing within your limits.


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5.12 Can you offer suggestions on how bruising can be prevented - or at least minimized?

Toys that are heavy in relationship to their breadth bruise more. Those that are lightweight sting more. Try paddles made of lightweight plastic or wood to minimize bruising. Wooden spoons, ping-pong paddles, and spatulas are also good to try. Just because an implement is lightweight doesn't mean it can't really hurt!

Speeding up the rate between swats greatly affects the sensation. Varying the number of fast repetitions, rather than the force, offers another degree of control for the spanker.

Try to relax during play. Tension seems to accentuate bruising. Long, gradual warmups help too.

If you want to avoid bruising apply cold to your bottom before and after a spanking.

Keep your skin in good moist condition by using lotion. Dry skin will crack easier.

You may want to consider a vitamin C supplement of 500mg three times a day. Vitamin C helps build collagen tissue around blood vessels in the skin. This will help the vessel resist rupture.

Some people have had good results healing bruises by using arnica (either topical or oral, available in health food stores) and bruise plasters (available in Asian herbal pharmacies).

People on anticoagulant medication (heparin, aspirin, warfarin-coumadin) for problems with clotting should avoid playing hard. Drugs that fall under the category of anti-inflammatory, antidepressants or asthma medications also may inhibit clotting under the skin. These drugs tend to make bruises larger.


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5.13 Treating a bruise

A bruise is actually internal bleeding. You want to apply ice so that the blood vessels shut down. Do this in 15 minute intervals. Don't apply heat to the skin. Let it warm up naturally.

After 24 hours you want to open up the blood vessels to the area so that the blood that has pooled under your skin can be carried away. To do this you apply heat.

This same rule should be applied for sore muscles. Always use cold for thefirst 24 hours and then heat.


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6. MORE SPANKING ON THE INTERNET

6.1 Other Usenet Groups

Spanking as a legitimate form of discipline for children:

alt.parenting.spanking**


Erotic spanking:

alt.sex.spanking

alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage

alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking**

alt.personals.spanking

alt.personals.spanking.punishment**

alt.sex.bondage

alt.spank.jennifer.capriati

alt.spank.tonya.harding

**Not carried by many servers


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6.2 Web Sites

Note: This section is not intended to provide a complete list of spanking related web sites. It includes only a few of the oldest and most respected sites. Ones that will give you a good place to start. There are many other sites other than those listed below (both commercial and non-commercial), that are devoted to various aspects of spanking. Some are devoted to stories, some to pictures, and others to being a center for spanking resources and related links. Visiting the sites listed below and exploring the links they have to other sites, the spanking enthusiast can embark on a journey through hundreds of sites spanning the breadth of cyberspace. Happy hunting!

The S.S.S. Resource Page <http://www.amythest.com/sss/>

This site contains information about soc.sexuality.spanking, including a copy of the FAQ, the SSS Charter, Bios of the current Moderators, and the current ASS/SSS Roster.

Maman - The Home of Maternal Discipline <http://super.zippo.com/~lamaman>

Maman is a web site devoted to spanking by females in general and "maternal" figures in particular. It contains a selection of both real-life childhood memories, and fiction. "Maman is a non-commercial, free access site run as a resource for the spanking community, and the only contribution we ask is for you to share something. "

Laura's Spanking Corner <http://www.goodkitty.com/spanking/>

Maintained by Laura Werner, and no, that isn't her in the picture. Laura maintains one of the premiere spanking resource pages on the WWW today. "Welcome to Laura's Spanking Corner, an archive of stories and other information related to the fine art of erotic spanking. For many adults, including your hostess, giving and receiving spankings and other types of corporal punishment is an intense, powerful, and often erotic experience. It can lead to intense trust, wonderful emotional releases, delicious naughty feelings, and a great deal of sexual fun! This web page is dedicated to safe spanking play between rational, informed, consenting adults. It is not about the disciplinary spanking of children. If you are looking for discussions on spanking children for discipline, look in the Usenet group alt.parenting.spanking, not here, and don't mix your kinks with your children! "

Wulfram's Homepage <http://home.pi.net/~wulfram/home.html>

Wulfram's Homepage has a nice collection of spanking pictures and some stories, as well as links to many other fine sites.

Uncle Jan's M/M Spanking Site <http://www.worldonline.nl/~janvv/uncle.html>

The oldest M/M Site on the web. Features new pictures each month, and links to other M/M sites in both Europe and the United States.

The Society for Human Sexuality at the University of Washington <http://www.sexuality.org/>

A superb library of files concerning all aspects of sex. (From the SHS Constitution) "It shall be the purpose of this organization to support the understanding and expression of human sexuality. We will promote education about and acceptance of all sexual orientations, as well as all consensual and safe sexual practices."

Shadow Lane <http://www.shadowlane.com>

"Shadow Lane spanking erotica caters to a wide variety of esoteric tastes within the corporal punishment genre. Our original spanking videos are mischievous and uniquely romantic in the scene, designed to appeal to women as much as to men. We edit and publish the sophisticated spanking magazine Stand Corrected and distribute a number of other high quality spanking publications which are all but impossible to find in stores. We host two large parties each year (In the Southern California area). We do not sell, trade or release our mailing list to anyone."

Adam and Gillian's Sensual Whips and Toys <http://www.catalog.com/utopian/www/whips.html>

Adam and Gillian have been providing whips,paddles and other impact toys for the BDSM community by mail-order , since 1987. Their catalog is browsable online at their web site. There is also a text-only catalog available for download.

Santa Barbara Paddle Company <http://www.west.net/~sbpadl/sbpc.html>

"... is the nation's largest mail-order paddle supplier. Simply put, our paddles are the finest available. We supply paddles to fraternities and other organizations and individuals all over the United States, Canada and the world. Now you can buy hot paddling videos from us too!! (TPG Video <http://www.west.net/~sbpadl>) You can order from us with complete confidence and confidentiality. All products are shipped with privacy in mind and our mailing list is never released to anyone."


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6.3 IRC Channels

#spanking

#overlap

#otk

#otkbrats

#xarcon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IRC undernet servers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can download a FREE demo copy of mIRC, the most popular IRC software
in use today, at <http://www.geocities.com/~mirc/>.

Note: In order to get onto the undernet, you should be using one of the following servers:

albany.ny.us.undernet.org 128.213.5.17 New York

austin.tx.us.undernet.org 128.83.162.106 Texas

boston.ma.us.undernet.org 129.10.22.11 Massachusetts

davis.ca.us.undernet.org 128.120.2.8 California

manhattan.ks.us.undernet.org 129.130.8.12 Kansas

milwaukee.wi.us.undernet.org 140.104.4.169 Wisconsin

norman.ok.us.undernet.org 129.15.22.33 Oklahoma

pasadena.ca.us.undernet.org 131.215.99.9 California

rochester.mi.us.undernet.org 141.210.10.117 Michigan

sanjose.ca.us.undernet.org 192.160.13.4 California

stgeorge.ut.us.undernet.org 144.38.16.2 Utah

tampa.fl.us.undernet.org 131.247.31.19 Florida

washington.dc.us.undernet.org 152.163.51.22 Virginia


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6.4 Spanking Mailing Lists

SubMiss -- Mailing address is <SubMiss@Spanking.Com>. To subscribe include the word "Subscribe" in the Subject line. A large mailing list with heavy traffic, devoted to spanking, domestic discipline, and sexual submission in the context of loving relationships. It has several sub-lists (called SIGs), including: Age-play, IRC, TECH-support, BDSM, and others. A digest version is available. For more info, include "Help" in the subject line. Supports a "Library corner" of stories and articles which members can download.

Listowners: Bobby & Debbie Scott <BobDeb@Spanking.Com>.


The Spanker's Guide To The Galaxy -- Private weekly mailing list sent out on Sundays. You subscribe from the web site at: <http://www.iglou.com/fesse>. The mailing includes, stories, articles, news, info on the web site, and humor.

Listowner: Fesseur <fesseur@iglou.com>.


SSO -- (Subject Spanking Only) SSO is a high trafficked list about spanking. Moderated and controlled by listowner and management team. Subscriptions are screened carefully to permit adults only who have this interest. SSO is a list/serv about spanking and spanking related issues. Twelve Step Program Guidellines are in place regarding feedback and interaction of members on the list. For more information, contact <owner3@sso-net.com>.

Listowner: Donald K.

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The authors would like to thank the readers of s.s.s. for all of their constructive comments and suggestions during the compilation of this FAQ. Further comments or questions about this document can be sent to:

Greg <perignon@hotmail.com> -or- Amy <Amy@amythest.com>.


This document is in the following section of this site: Main Documents > Contributed Documents > BDSM Archive

If you're new to this site, we recommend you visit its home page for a better sense of all it has to offer.