Group Sex Tips


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Start slow, but for heaven's sake, do start. Most people aren't going to be comfortable stripping off their clothes immediately and fucking, but nothing makes people feel shyer than sitting around staring at each other and not knowing what to do next. Backrubs and footrubs are wonderful icebreakers - try suggesting them. Silly party games can work pretty well, too.

(Actually, there are a lot of somewhat gimmicky things that can help break the ice. Undressing is sometimes awkward - wearing togas, or appearing in some other state of semi undress or at least not standard dress can get past it. Eating strawberries and whipped cream off one person can get things moving. The list is endless - imagination can be a wonderful thing.)

If you have a somewhat large group of people, sitting in a circle with one person (which one is alternated, usually) in the center can be a good way to have fun and still keep the group together. It's very important the central person, in particular, expresses what is and what isn't okay with them - getting all that attention can be nice, but it can also be a little overwhelming. (in my experience, such arrangements usually break up into less formal clusters of people after a certain amount of momentum is achieved - but it's a great way to get moving.)

Remember that the other people there are probably just as shy and insecure as you are. Try to make them feel welcome, and cut everyone some slack. When people are nervous, it can be easy to say the wrong thing.

If two or more of the people involved are established lovers, it can work well for them to seduce the other(s), taking the initiative, and kind of acting as hosts. Having an established relationship, they probably have more room not to be paying attention to each other every minute - if they are secure enough to be comfortable with this, it can take the pressure off other people a lot.

Make sure you have plenty of supplies on hand. This list will vary depending on what you are doing; mine includes appropriate latex, both paper and cloth towels, ice water to drink, a waste paper basket with a waterproof liner, lube, massage oil, extra sheets, toys, good firm pillows, and a bathroom that you don't have to get dressed to use.

Talk. And be honest. Spend some time talking before you do anything - maybe in a neutral space. Talk while you're having sex - about what you like and don't like, try different things, etc. Talk after, too. Maybe a little while after - sometimes people need time to process.

Be careful about your expectations. Things often develop best if you aren't too attached to a particular outcome. I've seen a lot of people who were too caught up in "let's go have intercourse" to enjoy what was more readily available, and what was more comfortable to their partners. I've seen the same sort of situations arise from people whose expected outcomes were something more like "I want to be involved in a perfect polyfidelitous triad where no one ever gets their feelings hurt or feels jealous and we all live happily ever after". Don't miss out on what the world actually has to offer because you're too hung up on your ideal situation. There can be quite a gap between theory and practice.

On the other hand, of course, do your best to be aware of any hard and fast requirements that you have.

Do be prepared to be surprised - we don't always respond to new situations the way we expect to. And if you are surprised, either by things that you like or things that you don't like, try not to spend a lot of time beating yourself over the head for not knowing ahead of time. It can be a little hard to roll with self revelation.... but it's part of the game.

Keep an eye on group dynamics. Be aware of people who might be feeling left out. Just because you are feeling completely blissed out and attended to doesn't mean that everyone else is feeling the same way. (On the other hand - if you are feeling left out, it's okay to speak up about it, and remember that sex is distracting, and probably people weren't ignoring you on purpose.)

I've noticed that it can be hard to incorporate intercourse into larger groups. It can be pretty dyadic, triadic at best. This isn't a bad thing, especially if the group doesn't mind breaking up into smaller subgroups from time to time, or having people at various different levels of involvements at different times. But in a nervous group, it might not be something to pursue right off the bat.

Give yourselves lot of time. Deadlines really suck.

Be as clear as you can be (to yourself, anyway) about how you feel about the other members of the group before going in. If you think that X is really hot, and that's why you're there, but that Y is really gross, it's cruel and dishonest to get into a group sex sort of situation with both of them and then either actively or passively discourage and avoid Y.

Mundane, boring things like organization can make a hell of a difference. Provide appropriate supports (futons, beds, tables, whatever) for people to avoid cricked necks and numb limbs. Work with people to make sure good reliable child care is set up - and far enough away from you that it won't be a potential distraction. Serve either only a light meal, or eat a few hours before you're going to be doing anything. Make sure you know about people's allergies. Group sex tends to start with the idea of an intimate romantic evening... and still requires the skills of an event planner.


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