Finding Your Local Sex-Positive Culture

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Introduction

Rather than attempting to list every organization of relevance to sex-positive culture in every major city, an attempt which would quickly go out of date, the following guide takes a different approach: it shows you how to search for what is available in a given city. It was last updated on September 27, 2007.

A few tips before we begin:

• There is always time in life for new experiences, but some health and safety mistakes can't be undone: if you haven't learned enough about safer sex to know what you need to do to preserve your own health and that of those around you, or aren't sure whether you're the sort of person who can stick with what you've decided, then this isn't the guide you should be reading right now.
• Common courtesy, and asking whenever you're unsure whether something is OK, never go out of style.
• Guides to Seattle, San Francisco, Portland, and Vancouver have already been completed, and for those cities save you the trouble of doing the searches below. A separate guide is available for sex-positive college and university student organizations.
• If you live in a smaller city, then also do the searches below for the largest city within driving distance.
• Three national non-profit organizations actively defending the freedoms which sex-positive culture depends on are the ACLU (see http://www.aclu.org), the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (see http://www.ncsfreedom.org), and the work the Planned Parenthood Foundation does to maintain access to birth control and STD prevention measures (see http://www.plannedparenthood.org). Consider supporting their work if you can.

Swing Clubs

Male-female couples who are comfortable with the idea of sex or flirtation with other couples, as a social activity, may find clubs like these to be exactly what they're looking for.

To find them, check the NASCA listings (yes, finding them is that simple).

Please note that almost all swing clubs sharply curtail participation by single males, and that female bisexual activity tends to be an accepted part of the swinging social milieu while male bisexual activity rarely is.

To learn more about the modern swing community, read The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers by Terry Gould if you want history and background, Together Sex by Dana and Ed Allen if you're interested in how swing events are hosted, or Swinging for Beginners: An Introduction to the Lifestyle if you just want etiquette.

BDSM Clubs and Community Organizations

The term ``BDSM,'' as used here, includes a wide variety of consensual activities ranging from the erotic application of ``pain'' to a willing recipient, to erotic role playing (e.g. Dominance and Submission), to bondage and sensory deprivation.

To find clubs and organizations devoted to BDSM play, first check the LeatherPage club list (though note that organizations which have folded rarely take the time to ask that every resource guide which links to them remove their listing, so don't be surprised when you find a large number of links to organizations which have called it quits).

Next, try the following customized Google searches (where you replace [CITY] with the name of your city):

For more information on BDSM practice and safety, start with either The New Bottoming Book (by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy) or the second edition of Sensuous Magic (by Patrick Califia), and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns (by Philip Miller and Molly Devon); from there, you can move on to some of the more specialized books published by Greenery Press. The Usenet newsgroup soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm can often be useful, and you may also find value in the print magazine Prometheus.

Neo-Tantric / Neo-Taoist Sexuality

The current standout in this type of education is the Body Electric School, which offers a nationwide schedule. Also see the teacher and workshop listings at tantra.com as well the results of the following Google search:

One popular book about this kind of stuff is The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers.

Polyamory

``Polyamory'' has been defined as ``the philosophy and practice of loving or relating intimately to more than one person at a time with honesty and integrity'': in other words, it's an openness to being involved in more than one romantic and/or sexual relationship at once, with the knowledge and consent of each partner.

See the polyamory.org groups list, the alt.polyamory support list, the polymatchmaker.com local poly support list, and/or the results of the following Google search:

Two excellent books on the subject of polyamory are Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Dr. Deborah Anapol and The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (the former book has an emphasis on long-term relationships, while the latter is much more broad). The print magazine Loving More and the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory may also contain helpful advice.

As a side note, the question of what truly distinguishes ``polyamory'' from ``swinging'' has been the subject of considerable online debate within the poly community. However, an outside observer would probably be most struck by the following distinctions:

1. The swing community is largely based on the participation of male-female couples, and protecting the existing relationship of each couple is accorded prime importance. The poly community tends to be much more fluid than this.
2. Forming ``triads,'' or any other arrangement where new relationship bonds are of the same strength and priority as one's ``primary'' relationship, is common in the poly community but comparatively rare in the swing community.
3. Organized participation in social/recreational sex at gatherings and clubs created specifically for this purpose is a fundamental characteristic of the swing community which is not fundamental to the poly community.
4. Some of the modern poly community's major cultural influences (e.g. internet culture, science fiction conventions and fandom, and neo-paganism) have far less prominence in the swing community.

Gothic Dance Clubs

These are not about sex per se, but if you like gothic or industrial music they're a wonderful opportunity to dress up in fetish-style clothing and dance. See the International Gothic Club Listing.

GLBT Resources

General

As a practical matter, if there is a GLBT newspaper covering your city then you'll probably its events and resource listings to be more comprehensive than anything you could find online.

Failing this, pick up a copy of either Damron Men's Travel Guide (which will also cover baths and leather bars) or Damron Women's Traveller.

Bi-Specific

The best guide we know of is the one maintained by the Bisexual Resource Center.

Transgender-Specific

The print magazine Transgender Tapestry contains resource information, including what they claim to be a complete listing of trans support groups.

For Gay or Bi Men

Bathhouses

The best online guide is maintained by Guide Magazine (select the "Gay Travel" link).

As a practical matter, if you have unsafe sex at places like these (ESPECIALLY anal intercourse without a condom), no matter what the guy you met there looks like or what he tells you, then you may be clinically insane: safer sex is always important, but here it's particularly important. Also:

• If you don't have a lot of experience at sex with other men, then you should avoid going when either intoxicated or in any other state that might increase the chances you'll neglect the safer sex standards you have set for yourself.
• Safer sex ``negotiation'' tends to be handled non-verbally, so you should be prepared to assume responsibility for your own safety by putting condoms on and/or seeing that they're put on (though as a frank piece of advice: if your personal safer sex standards include using condoms for oral sex, then you may wish to avoid oral sex at the baths...)

Etiquette tips for the baths are available online (e.g. at gay.com). Information on the history of men's baths may be found at http://www.gaytubs.com, though more complete by far is the book Policing Public Sex (by the ``Dangerous Bedfellows'' collective).

Radical Faeries

Directories of Radical Faerie organizations are available through radfae.org: check the "Local Faerie Circles" link.

Sex Toys

At this point, probably because it's so easy to just order toys online, there don't seem to be any web sites which review sex toy stores by city by city.

But along the West Coast, three of the best storefront shops (all of which also do online sales) are Babeland in Seattle, Womyn's Ware in Vancouver (probably the best choice for Canadian customers), and Good Vibrations in San Francisco.

Body Piercing

See the "Getting Pierced -> Locate an APP Piercer" section of the Association of Professional Piercers web site.

Fetish Fashion

See the print magazine Skin Two for information on both events and designers.

Health Care

STD Testing and Prevention

Call the National CDC Hotline (800-232-4636) for HIV/STD information and testing locations. Other health-related hotlines include the Emergency Contraception Hotline (888-668-2528) and Planned Parenthood (800-230-7526). Basic safer sex supplies like condoms and water-based lube (and if needed, Saran Wrap or disposable gloves) are now available at most drug stores.

Other questions may be a good candidate for the San Francisco Sex Information hotline (415-989-7374).

Counselors and Sex Therapists

See the Kink Aware Professionals List (for alternative sexuality of all types), the Polychromatic List (for counselors familiar with polyamory), or the AASECT List (for mainstream sex therapy).

The book Health Care Without Shame by Dr. Charles Moser may also be helpful reading for you when seeking lifestyle-sensitive health care.

National Conferences and Conventions

Multi-focus: The Dark Odyssey and Paradise Unbound annual retreats offer events and workshops of interest to BDSM players, swingers, Tantra enthusiasts, etc. Of the two, Dark Odyssey has a fuller class schedule, while Paradise is less expensive and possibly a little more laid-back.

Swinging: The Lifestyles convention is the biggest and the oldest, N'awlins in November has been getting a lot of buzz recently, and many other conventions are listed on the NASCA Conventions Page.

BDSM (all genders): A few examples are TESFest (New York), Black Rose (Washington DC), Folsom Street Fair (San Francisco), Thunder in the Mountains (Denver), and KinkFest (Portland). A museum rather than a conference, the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago is well worth visiting. A calendar of BDSM conferences, including mixed-gender, men-only, and women-only events, is maintained at The BDSM Events Page.

BDSM (women-only): The Wicked Womyn and Pacific Friction gatherings.

BDSM (men-only): The International Mr. Leather contest (if this event is of interest to you then you might also want to check out the book International Mr. Leather: 25 Years of Champions).

Polyamory: Options include the Love that Works, Loving More, and Poly Living conferences, as well as the NFNC Summer Camp.

Scientific and Medical: The Kinsey Institute Conference List is the most comprehensive right now, while the National Sexuality Resource Center site contains solid information on graduate study programs in the area of sexuality (as well as information on subscribing to their research-oriented print magazine American Sexuality). Realistically either of these resources would only be of interest to professional researchers, graduate students, or in some cases educators.

Artistic: The Seattle Erotic Art Festival is the best place to see good art and often purchase it at bargain prices, while the Burning Man Festival (though not a sex event per se) is noteworthy for being on the social and artistic cutting edge in every other way, see the recent book This is Burning Man for more background.

Miscellaneous: The Exotic Erotic Ball.

International Events: The World Sex News Listings are the best we've found so far, a sample listing being England's Night of the Senses. Also, a guide to sex museums worldwide is available.

Having a Good Time at Events

Planning Ahead

• Having a good time may mean thinking ahead about safer sex. Some common tips have been collected together at http://www.sexuality.org/concise.html
• If you're in a primary relationship and will be attending a sexual event for the first time, discuss it with your partner well ahead of time so you can each have a chance to figure out what would make you more comfortable, less jealous, etc.

While You're At An Event

• Avoid expectations: if you have wild expectations in your mind of what will happen, then the best that can happen is your expectations get met, and you may end up disappointed. If you approach an event without expectations, however, you'll be in a much better position to enjoy the evening (whatever it may bring).
• To paraphrase Carol Queen, sex parties are ``boot camp for the boundary-impaired.'' In other words, although you should expect ``no'' to mean ``no,'' it's best to avoid saying ``maybe later'' when you really want to say ``no.'' Stringing people along is rude, particularly when you could just as easily say, ``I appreciate the offer, but no thank you.''
• Avoid making negative comments on the consensual activities, gender, orientation, sexual preference, or appearance of other adults.
• In the BDSM/Leather community, a collar may signify that someone is under their ``Top's'' control for the night, and that they shouldn't be approached or addressed without their Top's permission. Within mixed-gender Leather culture, the proscription against touching people or their stuff without permission is particularly strong (likewise, you'll find a strong emphasis on verbal ``negotiation'' of play - clearly discussing what you like, what you dislike, and what sort of ``scene'' you would like to do).
• When addressing transgendered people, go with whatever pronoun they prefer, and ask if you're unsure.

After An Event

• For non-profit organizations whose events you enjoy, look for ways to help them as a volunteer.
• Be careful not to ``out'' people without their consent.

Resources for Founding a New Organization

• National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (their web site contains a library of documents useful to anyone who might wish to found a club that will host sex-positive events)
• The annual Leather Leadership Conference (The LLC is the only open-to-the-public conference we're aware of with direct applicability for people who organize sex-positive events)
• International Lifestyle Association (The ILA is a new non-profit organization founded to provide support for swing club owners - they have also been working closely with the NCSF)
• The SM-Activists list: Send email to majordomo@serve101.org with "subscribe sm-act" in the body of the message. Send a second email to the same address with "subscribe sm-org" in the body of the message. Although these two lists have a specific focus on BDSM events, the information available is applicable beyond the leather community, and they're a great opportunity to network and ask questions of leaders in organizations with similar concerns as yours.
• Thoughts for New Clubs (a paper presented at LLC 2001)
• Protecting Your Group in a Hostile Legal Environment (a paper presented at LLC 2001 which presents specific suggestions as to how the people near the front door of your building should respond in the case of official visits, as well as steps your organization can take to help insure that your meeting space is considered a private, rather than public, facility)
• How to Form a Nonprofit Corporation by Anthony Mancuso (this book is an excellent how-to guide to incorporating, although the sections on obtaining federal tax exempt status focus, for the most part, on 501(c)(3) status).
• IRS Publication 557: Tax Exempt Status for Your Organization (note carefully the descriptions of 501(c)(7) status - for most non-profit organizations that receive the bulk of their income from private play events which aren't open to the general public, 501(c)(7) status would be far more appropriate and attainable than 501(c)(3) status)