Web-Based Matchmaking Services

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Introduction

In reviewing today's web-based dating services we were pleasantly surprised (one of us even ended up with a new partner as a result of reviewing them), and found that several of them had already surpassed newspaper personal ads in popularity.

Each of the following services offers a huge selection of current ads (hundreds if not thousands for most medium-to-large cities), search capabilities which let you browse only the ads that are viable matches, free trial periods or free access levels, and e-mail notification systems which let you know when people post new ads that are potential matches for you.

Services

Match

AdultFriendFinder
This matchmaking service focuses on serving the "sex personals" market, and is a good alternative to traditional swinger's magazines.

FetLife
We determine which fetish/BDSM matchmaking site to recommend based on whichever one is currently favored by participants in our area's real-life BDSM community. And right now, the clear favorite is FetLife.com. It's worth noting that FetLife is a bit more akin to social networking sites than to traditional matchmaking sites: in other words, discussions play a much more central role.

Tips for Writing Your Profile

• Spend a lot of time thinking through exactly what you're looking for in a partner, including what your "deal breakers" are. For example, if you will only date non-smokers, mention that to spare time/rejection for everyone concerned. Being more specific means fewer responses, but much better matches. Plus, you seem more real.
• One exception to the above concerns the often sensitive subject of body weight and size: if you indicate that you'd prefer someone who is "slim" or "height-weight proportional" (whatever that means), and particularly if you're a male seeking a female, many people whom you might actually be attracted to will self-select out, since the terms are vague and nobody wants to be rejected over something like that. Frankly, we'd advise leaving preferred physical criteria for potential partners out of your ad, completely.
• Have a good picture to include with your profile. According to surveys, including a picture will increase by a factor of seven or eight the number of responses you get.
• Describe your values, hobbies, and especially goals, in your profile. Don't be afraid to mention the "why" behind your life's interests. Give a sense of what your life is like, and what you're looking for.
• Remember that people are better at detecting exaggeration and deception than you may think. Keep your profile honest.
• You want to make a good first impression, so use a spell-checker if necessary.

Tips for Replying, and for Making First Dates

• Replies should be more than just a few sentences, but likewise shouldn't be a multi-page tome. Include their name so they don't think it's a form reply, and of course comment on or ask a question about something they included in their profile.
• Proceed only as quickly as you're comfortable proceeding. Never give someone your last name, everyday e-mail address, personal web site address, home address or phone number, employer information, or any other personally identifying information, just right off the bat (and a tip: be sure that you don't have an automated signature line in your e-mail program which would inadvertently include this information in your replies to someone).
• Trust your instincts. If you have a nagging fear that someone may be unsafe, or if you have nagging suspicions that they're lying about something, yet you don't have these same fears about everyone you meet, then they're probably based on something real.
• First dates should generally be in a public place - a coffee shop is usually best. You should arrange to have your own transportation, so your date doesn't have to pick you up at home.
• It's always good advice to let a close friend know where you'll be, when you expect to be back, and whom you'll be seeing (perhaps providing that person with all the identifying information for that person which you have). The "safe call" helpful in some circumstances - you agree to call your friend back at a certain time to let them know everything is OK, but if you don't call them they're supposed to assume something has gone wrong.
• Remember that people like to talk about themselves, particularly with someone who genuinely seems interested in them. Seeing someone for the first time is exciting, as it's getting a little glimpse into a whole life as complex as your own but which has followed a completely different course. It's an experience to be savored, like a fine wine.

The Bigger Picture of Relationships and Dating

• The best dating advice, the one piece of wisdom which gets repeated countless times but which is unfortunately rarely heeded, is to get to a point where you LIKE your life and its direction before trying to include someone else in it. Two of the biggest things people find attractive in potential partners are self-confidence and self-assuredness, both of which flow from this.
• If you want a partner because you're lonely, then the fact that you're lonely will make you come across as desperate, and lower the ease with which you can get into a relationship as well as (possibly) the quality of the people you'll be able to attract. If your basic social needs aren't being met right now, then if nothing else use volunteer work to meet them, so that you already have a full life, filled with something you believe in, before taking the step of including someone else.
• If you find yourself constantly thinking "What is this person thinking of me?" or "What could I say or how could I act to impress him or her more," rather than "Wow, I'm really curious why she's interested in X or Y or Z" or "I'm enjoying this conversation" or even "Hey, the food is great here!" then you're probably indulging in insecurity rather than actually enjoying yourself. And life is too short not to enjoy yourself :)
• Don't pretend to be anyone other than yourself. In addition to the fact that people are better at picking up on insincerity than you think, faking it just isn't fun.
• Know what your goals in life are, and why they're important to you.