Erotic Talk

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  1. Introduction
  2. Advice from Books on Erotic Talk
  3. Advice from Books on Phone Sex
  4. Advice from Books on Romance


This page summarizes what some of the "how to" books that were popular in early 1999 had to say about erotic talk. It was put together as part of brainstorming for a workshop on erotic talk which Society for Human Sexuality sponsored on February 20, 1999.

Advice from Books on Erotic Talk

Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen

This book is subtitled "Show Off, Dress Up, and Talk Hot." As Carol Queen (now Dr. Queen) explains in her introduction to the topic, hot talk has benefits beyond what one might initially expect:

It's true that hot talk is a powerful turn-on for many people, and that's an excellent reason to use it. But more importantly, erotic talk lets you communicate about sex without sounding clinical or detached. Today I can ask for exactly what I want sexually, and learn my partner's preferences, via direct questioning and fantasy talk - as well as through non-verbal ways of communicating. I know that communicating this way will maintain - even heighten - our level of arousal.

In Chapter 4, Dr. Queen suggests (among other things) becoming more comfortable with erotic talk by talking to yourself while masturbating. If you try this and it feels awkward to you, then you might consider taking her sage advice on overcoming verbal shyness:

If you're so shy that words just won't come out, start with sounds. Erotic moans and murmurs can turn a lover on as much as naughty stories, and they're a wonderful way for you to get used to making some noise. You can incorporate this into masturbation. Especially if you think erotic words or phrases while you coo and gasp, you will find that as you get more turned on, the words will superimpose themselves onto the sounds. Like magic, instead of vocalizing "Uhn! Uhn!" you'll find yourself saying "Yes! Yes!" - then maybe "More! Harder! Give it to me!"

Chapter 5, "Too Shy to Talk?", would be terrific for someone who is just getting started with erotic talk, as it initially focuses on becoming comfortable using erotic language and slang terms. Once you've gotten some level of comfort with erotic words, Dr. Queen recommends hot telephone calls with your lover as a good place to start out with him or her:

Another useful trick when beginning to talk with a partner is to do it live, but over the phone. You will have a cloak of privacy that respects your shyness yet doesn't shore it up. Arrange a time you can feel comfortable exploring telephone play. If your partner has requested phone sex or dirty talk, great - but you might still want to talk about it before you start dialing, if only to reassure yourself that the timing is right and that your lover's response will be positive. Otherwise, you run the risk of putting your partner on the spot, perhaps rendering him or her as tongue-tied as you're trying to learn not to be!

Even if you and your partner have never masturbated in each other's presence, you might want to try it over the phone. Touch yourself and describe what you're doing; ask him or her to direct you; direct him or her. You can pretend you're together making love, or you can pretend you're strangers. You can ask for things you're shy about when face-to-face; you can describe your ideal lovemaking to each other.

Chapter 7, "The Words that are Hot for You," builds on Chapter 5. I found the subsection "Adding Erotic Nuance" to be especially valuable; here is an excerpt from it:

Pay attention to the voice you use when you talk during masturbation. It doesn't matter what you say - try repeating the phrase "Oh, yes" during masturbation, giving it every erotic inflection you can. Do any of these tones feel more erotic to you? If you find one that does, explore it some more - narrate a fantasy, talk to an imaginary partner, or say anything sexy that comes into your head. You want to find elements of hot talk that make you hotter, and masturbation is the very best time to do this - especially if you feel self-conscious experimenting this way with your partner.

Dr. Queen goes on to describe a valuable exercise where you take the "sex words" she lists in Appendix 1 of her book and read them using a variety of the "feeling words" she lists in Appendix 2. The idea is both to learn what nuances (and personas) you respond to and/or resonate with, and to gain skill using your voice as an erotic instrument::

When you're watching erotic movies, especially porn, notice how often the actor's erotic effectiveness depends not on what s/he says, but how s/he says it; the difference between a poorly-delivered, clumsy line and a persuasive one is often the skill with which the actor conveys erotic emotion....

You can also convey nuance verbally by being more descriptive. Once you can utter one hot word, you're set to embroider it into phrases and sentences. If you say "Fuck" while having sex it will convey your turn-on in one way; if you say "Fuck me" you'll give a somewhat different impression; if you add specifics: "Fuck me slowly," "Fuck me hard," "Fuck me now," "Fuck me up against the wall," you'll begin to get control of the word's erotic power - you'll be able to convey what you want and how you want it. Similarly, if you load your sex talk with adjectives - "your hot, wet, dripping, hungry pussy" - and descriptive phrases, you'll weave a stronger erotic spell."

In this same section, Carol Queen demonstrates the power of being specific and detailed in erotic talk, and of involving many different senses in one's storytelling:

Shar and Jackie [two friends of Carol] have customized their hot talk with detailed nuance and description. When Shar tells Jackie a story she takes a long time to build up to the climax. "She knows what color the walls are," says Shar. "She knows what the shoes sound like on the floor. She knows what the air smells like. She knows what the velvet feels like. One very simple story I told her recently was set in the '40s, on a train. In the story, Jackie hadn't touched a pussy in a long time, and she was about to touch mine. The wind was blowing my hair, my dress was falling open, I had on thigh-high stockings, and she reached up to touch my ass. Her hand slid up past my stockings and onto the fleshy thighs. I described that brief moment before she touched the pubic hair - she hadn't touched such nice, silky, moist pubic hair in so long. She felt the electricity from my pussy in her fingers. Just when her middle finger slipped between the silky pussy hairs into the crack of my cunt, where it was so wet that she could just slide back to my asshole... Bam! Jackie came."

In Chapter 11, "When Showing Off is Your Job," Carol Queen offers some valuable suggestions for people who may be interested in doing erotic talk (or any other form of sex work) professionally. Among other things, she suggests it may be helpful for to you to choose a professional name; this gives you an opportunity to develop a whole working persona around your new name. If in real-life (as "Susan") you are shy and reserved, then perhaps in your phone sex persona (as "Vicki") you're bold and sexually aggressive - the psychological shift involved in someone calling you by a different name can actually be used to your advantage. Carol Queen also addresses in this chapter the issue of phone sex clients who don't seem to know what they want:

I noticed in the peep show that certain customers - usually the kinkier ones - were very clear about what their hot spots were and could give me all the cues I needed in a short period of time: "I want this, this, this, this, this, and this, and string it together and make it last less than five minutes." Then there were the ones who came in who were probably just beginning to explore their fantasies; others were simply tongue-tied. I asked phone sex worker Jezebel whether many of her customers were able to successfully communicate their erotic interests. "I had to draw people out a lot!" she said. "But just asking that question is so powerful: 'What do you want?'"

Appendix 3 of her book, "Some Erotic Roles," might come in handy if you want to come up with a creative new scenario for your lover, or (for professionals) if you get a lot of clients who want to hear made-up stories but who don't have particular scenarios in mind; please see a copy of her book if you're interested in reading this list.

All in all, this is an excellent book which could be of value to anyone who has ever felt shy talking about sex. It contains information that would be valuable for people who just want to enjoy erotic talk with their lover, as well as for people who want to do phone sex professionally. I strongly recommend this book.

Talk Sexy to the One You Love by Barbara Keesling

Talk Sexy to the One You Love is written for lovers (specifically, women in monogamous heterosexual relationships) rather than for people who are interested in doing any sort of commercial erotic talk. It contains some sound advice and PLENTY of fun exercises that could be abstracted to more diverse types of relationships. Dr. Keesling makes her position clear right from the first paragraph of Chapter 1:

Any woman who is lucky enough to know will tell you: Nothing is more exciting than talking sexy to the man you love and having him talk sexy to you. Nothing. The right words at the right time can start a fire burning inside of you that feels like it will never go out. It can make you breathless. Insatiable. Unstoppable. And it can do the same thing for your man....

Simple sentences such as, "I love to look at your body," "I want you," "I need you," or "I want to make love to you" can dramatically change the course of an evening, and sometimes, the course of an entire relationship. You've probably thought about saying things like this to your partner many times, but could you imagine actually doing it? Do you wish you could turn to your partner and say, "I need to feel you inside of me," "You make me so hot," "I love to look at your beautiful penis," "I want to feel your tongue between my thighs," or "Take me"? Do you wish you could read him sexy poetry or passages from an erotic novel? Do you wish you could whisper dirty words in his ear, or cry out during orgasm? It's pretty exciting just thinking about it, isn't it?

Although it may seem from the last two quoted paragraphs that this book might be somewhat basic, Talk Sexy to the One You Love ended up surprising me with the creativity of some of the later games and exercises that it presented, which I felt could be of value even to people who are already quite comfortable and experienced with sexual talk.

Actually, Dr. Keesling's fifty-one exercises make up the majority of her book: all of chapters four through sixteen (the last chapter) are devoted to them. Chapters four through eleven are intended for women to do alone, while chapters twelve through sixteen contain partner exercises (again, where her partner is assumed to be male). Barbara emphasizes that for the "solo" exercises you need to find a place where you can be alone and know you can speak loudly without being heard by anyone; she also recommends you keep a private notebook for her exercises, some of which ask you to write things down. Here are brief descriptions of three of her early (but important) solo exercises:

Exercise 12: Touch and Tell
Lie down in bed, get very comfortable, and begin a genital caress. As you touch yourself, say whatever comes to your mind. Let it come out in a stream of consciousness. Try not to censor anything. Your stream might include moans, grunts, words, sentence fragments, random thoughts, descriptions of your body, descriptions of what you are doing, descriptions of what you are feeling, or descriptions of fantasies that are being triggered by your caresses. Caress yourself for at least fifteen minutes, and try to keep talking the entire time, even if the only thing that comes out of your mouth is gobbledy-gook. It doesn't matter if you are being silly, serious, outrageous, or incomprehensible. You don't need to make a single bit of sense. All you need to do is let yourself go....

Exercise 16: Expletive Not Deleted
Open your notebook to a fresh page and get ready for a little more brainstorming. What I want you to do is write down as many sexy verbs as you can think of, placing an asterisk next to the ones that turn you on the most.

I'll help you get started. Try these: kiss, lick, nibble, tease, screw, bite, touch, suck, play, eat, chew, push, pull, brush, taste, rub, grind, stick, jam, blow, squeeze, fondle, smell, caress, grab, hump, swallow, spank, drink, thrust. Get the idea? Now it's your turn. If you're starting to blush, remember that all of these words can be found in the Scrabble Word Dictionary. Hopefully, you'll also think of a few that can't be.

Once you have completed your list I want you to practice saying these verbs out loud. Start with the first word on the list, kiss. Mouth the word silently a few times. Then try saying it in the lowest of whispers. Gradually build from there. Experiment with all different kinds of affect too. Once you have comfortably reached a stage whisper, move on to the next verb on your list and begin again. Proceed in this fashion through your entire list, paying special attention to the ones you've marked with an asterisk.

Exercise 17: Wet and Nasty
Turn to a fresh page in your notebook. This time, I want you to write down as many sexy adjectives as you can think of, placing an asterisk next to the ones that turn you on the most. Once again, I'll help you get started: juicy, big, soft, wet, hot, lovely, aching, gorgeous, sweet, slippery, greedy, magnificent, nasty, tasty, hard, round, firm, wild, luscious, erect, tight, huge, naked, steamy, bare, throbbing, strong, swollen, stiff, gentle, raging, hungry. Don't be embarrassed. You'll see at least one or two of these words every week in your newspaper's crossword puzzle.

After you have completed your list I want you to practice saying these adjectives out loud. Start with the first one on your list: juicy. Mouth it silently a few times. Now say it over and over again in the lowest of whispers. Gradually build from there until you have comfortably reached a stage whisper. Proceed in this fashion through every sexy adjective on your list, paying special attention to your favorites.

These three solo exercises are essentially building to Chapter 11, the last chapter before the partner exercises start. What Dr. Keesling asks you to do in Exercises 18 and 19 is write down a bunch of complete sentences that express your romantic-sexual-erotic desires, based on some INCOMPLETE sentences she gives with several nouns and adjectives blanked out (it's OK to write several different complete sentences for each incomplete sentence). She also asks you to mark with an asterisk the sentences you write which turn you on the most. Her incomplete sentences include:

In Exercise 20 and Exercise 21, she asks you to do the same thing to snippets of erotic stories where some of the nouns and adjectives have been similarly blanked out (see a copy of her book for these stories). She also brings up the point that peoples' voices naturally lower when they get aroused, so if you intentionally drop your voice (i.e. make it huskier) it will seem more erotic; as Exercise 22 she asks you to read some of what you wrote in Exercises 18 and 19 (along with the stories whose missing words you filled in) in a huskier voice. In Exercise 23, the second-to-last of the solo exercises, she has you go back to the Exercise 19 sentences you completed and imagine what it would be like to say each one to your partner; then, she asks you to read them aloud, gradually increasing the volume and intensity from a whisper until you're screaming: "Cry out. Imagine you're so full of passion you're climbing the walls. Hold nothing back."

All in all, I think the particular solo exercises from her book that I've mentioned here are her most valuable ones. If you find yourself going through her book and feeling as if you want things to move along more quickly, or find that you already have a high level of comfort with erotic talk and want to take shortcuts, then I would recommend that these be the exercises you DON'T skip.

Of the partner exercises which comprise the remainder of her book, Dr. Keesling feels that Exercise 29 is the most important:

Exercise 29: Sweet Nothings
This exercise begins with your partner lying in bed, face down. You should be sitting, or lying on your side, very close to him.... Think about all of those sexy words and sentences you've been aching to say to this man. If you need to refresh your memory, check your notebook before you start the exercise. Choose [a word] ... then lean over and whisper it in his ear. Proceed in this fashion through at least a dozen words. Now try some ... sentences from [Exercises 18 and 19].

There is one very important requirement for this exercise: Your partner must remain silent and passive the entire time. Even if he thinks he is being helpful, unwelcome feedback can disrupt the mood and make you clam up in a hurry. He needs to stay quiet, and stay still, lying face-down on the bed.

She builds on this in Exercise 32, which I personally feel is a much more powerful exercise than Exercise 29:

Exercise 32: Doctor Doctor
Your partner's assignment is to study the various parts of your body, describe them in the sexiest language he can muster, and talk freely about how each part turns him on.... He might want to say, for example, "Your neck is so smooth and so soft I want to kiss and bite it...." Now let your partner remove your blouse so that he can study, fully appreciate, and talk to you about your shoulders, your back, your arms, and your hands.... Proceeding slowly and intently, he should study your buttocks, hips, thighs, and calves, talking oh-so-sexy as he goes. Next come your ankles, then the soles of your feet, and finally your toes.

After fifteen minutes, turn over and lie comfortably on your back. Starting with your face - your eyes, nose, mouth, chin - your partner should spend the next fifteen minutes slowly working his way down your entire body until he has reached your toes. He should always try to make his descriptions as sexy as possible, letting you know how truly exciting each part of your body is. He might want to say things such as: "Your thighs are so soft they make me hard" or "Every time I look at your nipples I want to put them in my mouth."

Remember: You're not supposed to do anything, just listen, and he's not supposed to do anything but talk. Don't break the rules!

I feel that this particular exercise segues nicely into Exercise 33, where you repeat what you did in Exercise 12 except with your partner giving you a full body massage (starting first with your back, then your front, then moving to your genitals). "As your partner is performing his body caress, your job is to talk and talk and talk, saying whatever sexy thoughts or feelings come to mind. Let it come out in a stream of consciousness and try not to censor anything. Your stream might include moans, grunts, words, sentence fragments, random thoughts, descriptions of your body, descriptions of what he is doing, descriptions of what you are feeling, or descriptions of fantasies that are being triggered by his caresses." In Exercise 34 you reverse roles.

One thing that I feel Dr. Keesling could have emphasized more in Exercises 33 and 34 is that there should be no expectation of saying anything intelligent during these exercises; if you simply keep talking continuously (or moaning or sighing or cooing), even if what you're saying is complete nonsense, then you're still training yourself to be a more "generous" lover. The fact is that most people love to hear their partner make noise during sex regardless or whether or not they're making sense (or sometimes most of all when they're not making sense). As another aside, I think it would have been interesting (later on in her book, perhaps) for Dr. Keesling to have included an exercise where you are supposed to pleasure your partner to orgasm, but must stop whatever you are doing immediately if he or she stops talking or making noise; I personally have found this to be a very effective way for a couple to get past self-consciousness as regards vocalizing during sex. Anyway, after you've finished the next few exercises you might try it and see if you agree with me...

For most people, Exercises 37-39 (which comprise Chapter 14) will be the heart of Dr. Keesling's book; these exercises pull everything together everything which you've practiced so far and incorporate it into actual sex with your partner. This is the point at which Dr. Keesling leaves the basics behind, and is the point at which (I feel) just about anyone could enjoy and benefit from her book. In other words, if you aren't comfortable using erotic language even when your partner isn't around, then you might start with Exercise 12 before moving into Exercises 16-23 (and then the partner exercises 29, 32-34, and 37-39). If you and your partner are OK using erotic language by yourselves but one or both of you tends to "clam up" when you're with each other, then perhaps start with Exercise 29 before moving on to 32-34 and then 37-39. However, if as a couple you already tend to be quite talkative and vocal in bed, then you might just do Exercises 37-39; these are flat-out FUN and could be valuable even to the most sexually liberated among us.

In these three exercises one partner plays the "passive" role. Dr. Keesling explains that, "When you are the passive partner, your job is simply to do whatever your partner asks, providing it is not something that you find unpleasant; the passive partner always has the option of saying 'I don't want to do that right now.' You do not need to explain or justify this decision. If you want to discuss it after the exercise is over, that's fine, but during the exercise the active partner must accept your decision, and move on to another request." As a side note, I was quite impressed with how Dr. Keesling put this; the "move on to another request" approach takes a lot of the charge out of what could otherwise be an awkward situation. I'll excerpt from these three exercises below:

Exercise 37: Come and Get It
This exercise begins the moment you and your partner enter the bedroom (or whatever room you choose for the exercise). For the first twenty to thirty minutes, you will play the active role and your partner will play the passive role.

As the active partner, you will start by making your first request. You can ask for anything you can think of, but you need to be very specific. For example, you might start by saying: "Please light some candles" or "Please take off everything but your underwear" or "Please take off my shoes and massage my feet." Nothing can happen until you ask for it. Your partner can refuse your request, but all of the choices are yours.... It helps a great deal to stop and think for a moment before you make any request; think about what it is you want at this very moment... Think about your needs - he'll get his chance soon enough....

If your partner accepts your request, but he is not doing exactly what you want, give him gentle, but straightforward directions until he gets it right. If it's something about the way he's touching you or not touching you, for example, guide his hands or demonstrate with your own hands.

After twenty or thirty minutes, switch roles...

Exercise 38 is like Exercise 37, with an added fun twist: "The passive partner also has the right to respond verbally with provocative statements such as 'Ask me again,' 'I didn't hear you,' 'Say it louder,' 'Say please,' or 'Beg me.' This erotic taunting must always be done in a way that is playful and loving; it must never be done in a way that is demeaning or full of ridicule. In addition, the passive partner can only play with the active partner's request if he or she has every intention of ultimately responding to that request." In Exercise 38 you switch roles halfway through, just as you did for Exercise 37.

Exercise 39 pulls it all together into something that seems a lot less like an exercise and more list simply a hot way to have sex (not that 37 and 38 weren't fun ways to have sex...). Basically, Exercise 39 is like Exercise 37, except that:

This time, once you have made a request of your partner and he starts to comply, it is your job to fill his ears with as much sexy feedback as possible. You want to do this in a stream of consciousness fashion, trying very hard not to censor yourself. Your goal is to give him a blow-by-blow description in the sexiest way possible, of how everything he is doing is making you feel. You can do this with dialogue, sounds, or a combination of the two. Just let it out. And don't stop! After twenty to thirty minutes, switch roles and give your partner a chance to talk really sexy to you.

For a variation on this, try incorporating the playful taunting technique you learned in Exercise 38. If you are playing the active role, let your partner know how this is making you feel (For example: "You're making me crazy ... I have to have you inside of me now!"); then let him know what it feels like when you finally get what you're begging for.

In general, if I had a criticism of Dr. Keesling's book, it would be that I feel she included too many exercises in the beginning parts of the solo and partner portions of her book. It is true that these beginning exercises might be helpful to some people, but I still suspect that several of them could have been consolidated without sacrificing the comfortable path that leads to Exercise 39.

But in any case, if you can do Exercise 39 well with your partner then you'll probably have smooth sailing for the rest of the book, which focuses more on making sounds during sex (not just speech) and presents some additional flirtatious and sexy things you can do for your partner.

As regards making sighs, moans, screams, etc. during sex, her point is well-taken:

I firmly believe that making noise does more than just enhance orgasm; I believe that making noise is actually necessary to have a full orgasm. I don't care if it's grunts, cries, shouts, words, sentences, or full paragraphs...if you're not making noise, you are preventing your body from releasing energy and holding back the power of your own orgasm.

I personally feel that my previous suggestion (concerning pleasuring your partner to orgasm, but stopping what you are doing immediately if he or she stops making noise) might be as valuable as Dr. Keesling's "noisemaking" Exercises 40-43; the twist would be that the noises your partner could make could only be sighs, moans, etc. instead of actual words. [As an aside, I have also found that how you breathe makes a subtle difference; if you breathe in and then moan or beg or sigh or whatever as you exhale, it seems to work especially well and you can get charged up pretty rapidly as you get more aroused and breathe more quickly.]

In any case, after Exercises 40-43 Dr. Keesling presents some fun games you can play with erotic talk. The last three in particular (all of which involve the phone) are a lot of fun, and I'll excerpt from them below... [These quotes do reflect the fact that Dr. Keesling's book assumes the reader is female, and is taking the initiative with regard as regards to this "erotic talk stuff" with her male partner. She does comment in Exercises 49 and 50 that hopefully he'll "start entertaining you with sexy little surprises of his own... and if he doesn't, you can always ask."].

Exercise 49: It's For You
Pick up the telephone and call your partner. When you are certain it is him on the line, tell him something really sexy, and then hang up. You might say, for example: "I just wanted you to know I'm not wearing any underwear" or "If I were there right now I'd let you make love to me on top of your desk...."

Exercise 50: Beep, Beep
Does your partner have an answering machine or voice mail service that only he has access to? If he does, leave him a really sexy message when he'd least expect it. Here's an example of a message that will change a man's mood for a while: "I just called to tell you that I'm thinking about your beautiful stiff penis...."

Exercise 51: Phone Home
Call your partner and, in your sexiest voice, tell him how much you miss him. Tell him how much you want him to have an orgasm before he goes to sleep, and that you'll "talk him through it" if he'll do the necessary work on his end....

Now tell him in the greatest of detail what you would be doing with him if he were in bed with you right now. Tell him what you're wearing (or not wearing). Tell him how you're touching yourself, and how that feels. Describe your body to him in detail. Talk to him about his body. Tell him how much it turns you on, and how you wish you were touching him....

You may want to take turns verbally stimulating each other, or you may opt for simultaneous stimulation. Either way makes for very pleasant dreams.

So in summary, if you're quite shy with erotic talk but are still interested (specifically) in having sex with your opposite-sex partner be more vocal, then Dr. Keesling's book would probably be perfect for you.

The Fine Art of Erotic Talk by Bonnie Gabriel

The Fine Art of Erotic Talk covers erotic talk from a broader and more pansexual perspective than Talk Sexy to the One You Love - it assumes much less about the gender or sexual orientation of the reader, and does not assume that the reader is in a monogamous relationship with one other person. Although it takes longer to read than Talk Sexy to the One You Love, it covers quite a few more topics: general communication skills and flirting skills, for example. Another thing I liked about The Fine Art of Erotic Talk was that it contained several little "transcripts" of verbal exchanges between lovers, which illustrated quite nicely whatever point the author was trying to make.

In Chapter 2 (which would certainly be valuable to phone sex professionals), Bonnie talks about specific exercises you can do to give your voice a more relaxed and sensuous tone quality. I found this to be a very clear and well-laid-out chapter, with the exception that the material on "Pacing and Leading" seemed to be slightly out of place in the general discussion of voice tone.

Chapter 3 has some great advice on flirting, meeting new people, dating, having sex with a new lover for the first time, etc. In a section of this chapter that I particularly enjoyed, "Erotic Questioning and Erotic Feedback," Bonnie presents some great suggestions for helping your first sexual experiences with a new partner be more comfortable:

If you wish, you can introduce your exploration of your partner's sexual responses with something like "I want to get to know every inch of you ... which parts of your body are most easily aroused; how soft or hard you like to be touched; how slowly or quickly you enjoy being stroked; whether you'd find it more exciting if I used my hand or my tongue in a particular spot.... So let's do a little experiment. Which feels better, this ... or this?"

Although you can word this however you like, the basic "Which feels better, this ... or this?" approach is (in my opinion) a fun way to break the ice with erotic talk as well as a great way to get to know a new lover. If the recipient is shy or not used to talking about sex, then this approach may be perfect for him or her; it's a direct and simple question which doesn't require comfort USING sexual language to answer, and it can't be answered with the same less-than-helpful responses (such as "I don't know," "Whatever you like," etc.) that "So, what do you like?" can be answered with. If you prefer, you can make a funny little game of having the "this ... or this?" question be a bit like getting a prescription for new glasses or contact lenses: "Which is better - Number 1 ... or Number 2?"

Bonnie develops this idea in Chapter 4 a little more with something she calls "Creating an Erotic Feedback Loop." This amounts to verbally acknowledging your partner's arousal (for example: "Mmmmm... I can feel how wet you're getting right now," or "It really excites me to hear you moan when I lick you," or "I love feeling how hard you get when I'm sucking on you.") Bonnie describes this from the perspective of the recipient: "What can happen in such a scenario is your partner's touch arouses you, then, as you hear your lover acknowledging your arousal with words, you become even more excited - creating a loop of erotic energy that can build to a state of utter bliss." She goes on to comment that:

What is nice about the erotic-feedback loop is that is can be equally effective with a highly-verbal or a silent partner. If your partner is moaning or sighing or using words to describe her excitement, you can validate her vocal or verbal expressions. If he is silent but is giving clear physical signals that he is aroused, you can comment on those expressions of his passion. Just remember to let your pleasure in your partner's enjoyment come through your voice as you speak.

One thing that I liked quite a bit about this chapter was the section on how to suggest that your partner do something differently (in a section she calls "Giving and Receiving Negative Feedback"). This is a hard thing for some people to do, and it's unfortunately quite common for people to simply put up with things they don't like because they're afraid of hurting their partner's feelings (of course, if this fact ends up getting blurted out later on when the recipient just can't stand it any more, then it will probably hurt much more than if it was mentioned at the beginning - not to mention the missed opportunity for pleasure while this thing was being "endured"). The key seems to be finding a way to give feedback without making your partner feel wrong for his or her wants or desires; this can be accomplished by focusing on what you lover to do instead rather than what they are doing "wrong." Bonnie expands on this idea:

If your partner is loving you in a way that is not giving you pleasure and you fear you may risk hurt feelings or cause a defensive reaction if you say "stop," first let him know what you like about his lovemaking. For instance, you might say, "You know, honey, I was just fantasizing about the way you kissed me all over my body last night. It really excited me." Then you can gently tell him what is not working right now - remembering to add what you want him to do instead. For example, "My thighs are a little ticklish to your touch right now, but my breasts would love some undivided attention from you." Most of us, when learning in this gentle way how we can truly arouse our partner, become eager to fulfill their desire. Their enjoyment enhances our own excitement.

Because standards sometimes differ between new or casual lovers on the emotionally-charged topic of what "safer sex" means, and whether it is necessary in their particular case, Bonnie devotes Chapter 5 to erotic communication skills that help negotiations around safer sex flow more smoothly. She has the following suggestions, all of which I have found to be valid and sound:

  1. Convey your concerns about safer sex in a positive manner, by affirming your sexual connection while you're voicing your concerns. In other words, rather than saying, "I'm not going any further until you put on a condom," perhaps say, "I know I'd be able to let go so much more if we used protection."
  2. Let your partner know how attracted or aroused you are. For example: "You turn me on so much that I know I'm going to want complete access to your entire body; let's make sure we both have all the protection we need before we find it too hard to stop."
  3. Keep the erotic conversation going while you're gather your safe-sex supplies. For example: "Honey, hurry and get the protection because I'm aching for your tongue." [I'll add that it's still good to keep everything in one handy place - not being able to have intercourse just because you've lost the condoms or lube is still somewhat frustrating regardless of what either of you say...]
  4. Offer or ask for help preparing preparation. For example: "Honey, I really want to feel you inside me soon, so let me help you put on that condom."
In Chapter 8 Bonnie introduces (among other things) a fun game called the "Erotic Scale Game," which she suggests is especially good for lovers who are especially silent. Here's how it works:

Begin your erotic questioning by asking [for example], "On a scale of one to ten, which feels better, my stroking your cock like that or my licking your balls like this?" As you start stroking and caressing your lover more and more intimately, and he reports back with "That's about a five" and "Oh, that's an eight," he is beginning to give vocal expression to his sexual feelings.

Once he feels comfortable responding in this way, you can then introduce a little playful teasing into your lovemaking with "Unless you describe exactly what you want from me right now, I'm not going to go any further." (Meanwhile, cover him with little kisses, blow in his ear, bite his shoulder, tickle him, or do anything that will distract him from feeling self-conscious or hyper-analytical.

Chapter 9, "Fantasy Talk and Role-Playing," expands on the erotic communication skills from the previous chapters to create sexy little scenarios and stories. The key idea is that these can be built around your partner's fantasies, and so Bonnie begins with the suggestion that you share your fantasies. To do this, the key idea is to share your fantasies in such a way that you both feel emotionally safe in doing so; if someone is afraid of judgment or blame for a fantasy they happen to share, they're unlikely to share much of anything. Bonnie has a particularly good method for insuring this sort of emotional safety; you begin by taking the following list of the 20 most common sexual fantasies, and writing each one on two separate 3"x5" index cards:

  1. Having sex in a public place.
  2. Having sex with more than one or a multitude of partners.
  3. Having sex in a place in which there is a risk of getting caught.
  4. Having sex out in nature or some other appealing setting.
  5. Being sexually taken, possessed or dominated.
  6. Being in complete sexual control of a partner.
  7. Having sex with a prostitute.
  8. Being a prostitute or a person who is sexually uninhibited.
  9. Having sex with a virgin.
  10. Being a virgin or a sexually inexperienced person.
  11. Having sex with a priest, nun, or some other forbidden or inappropriate partner.
  12. Pretending to be a celebrity or fictional character.
  13. Having sex with a celebrity or fictional character.
  14. Having sex that includes a focus on specific articles of clothing, food, or a part of the body not usually associated with lovemaking.
  15. Trying out sexual approaches or positions that you may not actually be practicing in real life.
  16. Cross-dressing, that is, having a fantasy in which you either willingly wear the clothing of the opposite sex, or are forced to do so.
  17. Gender reversal, that is, imagining that you are a member of the opposite sex.
  18. Having sex with a member of your own sex. (Note: Many confirmed heterosexuals occasionally have homosexual fantasies, even if they have no wish to act on them in real life.)
  19. Having sex with a deity or a spiritual leader.
At this point each partner has their own stack of 20 cards, each with one of these fantasies written on it. Now each person sorts all their cards into four separate piles:

  1. Fantasies that Turn Me On and That I'm Willing to Share with My Lover
  2. Fantasies that Turn Me On but That I'm Resistant to Sharing with My Lover
  3. Fantasies that Leave Me in Neutral
  4. Fantasies that Turn Me Off
Obviously, fantasies never have to be acted upon. What you're doing in this exercise is learning more about some little images and vignettes that your partner finds erotic, which may not have anything to do with real-life desires; this exercise isn't really about your relationship per se unless you both discover that you share fantasies in common AND decide that you want to act on them together.

Bonnie suggests that you use what you learned in this exercise to help you make up little erotic stories for each other involving your respective fantasies. You would tell your partner these little made-up stories during sex, while you're lying in bed together, over the phone, etc. If you're worried that you're not a good writer or storyteller, then perhaps make an agreement that the first story is going to be intentionally bad. You may discover that it's hard to make an erotic story involving your partner's fantasies so bad that he or she won't enjoy it, which will help you both feel more free to be creative next time.

But in my opinion, it's in the last chapter of her book (Chapter 12) where Bonnie Gabriel really hits her stride. Chapter 12 is about how to keep a nice erotic afterglow going on between your romantic encounters with your partner, whether your separation is for an hour, a day, a week, or a month. Bonnie suggests that there are three helpful principles for keeping your erotic spark alive:

  1. Express your thanks and appreciation for all the pleasure your partner has given you.
  2. Build a provocative mood of positive expectation or even delicious suspense as to what your future sexual encounter will hold.
  3. Continue to remind your lover of the special sexual connection you have even when you're not together - via mail, telephone, telegraph, tape, video, e-mail, carrier pigeon, or whatever other method you may devise.
Here are some of the specific suggestions she offers to help lovers with these principles:

"Words of Satisfaction and Appreciation"

The period right after orgasm is a very special time, when "genuine words of love and appreciation can be most easily absorbed and assimilated." Bonnie suggests that you take this time to say a little something appreciative and loving to your partner, even something as simple as "Mmmmm, that was wonderful" or "I'm so lucky to have you as a lover."

"Previews of Coming Attractions"

This idea is to build anticipation for your next encounter by tantalizing your partner with some of the details of what you would like to do with him or her. This is especially fun if you use sensual and erotic language, hint at a surprise or two, and let your voice express your passion for your partner. In Bonnie's experience, many people in long-term relationships "have overcome sagging sexual interest and recaptured the thrill of their early courtship by adding this dimension to their lovemaking." These "previews" can be made even more fun if you give them while touching or teasing your partner, or perhaps while brushing his or her hair or taking a bath or shower together. Bonnie clearly likes the bath idea:

For instance, as you soap up your partner's breasts, you might say: "Hmmmm, what can I do with these the next time to make them feel even more wonderful?" Or, washing your lover's cock, you might ask: "When we're in bed next time, would you like me to begin with long, slow strokes like this ... or light, circular caresses like this?"

Take-Out Fantasies

The idea here is to tell your lover a specific little fantasy which has to do with something specific (and ordinary) that will happen to him or her during that day. Bonnie gives an example:

"When you're at your staff meeting this afternoon, I want you to imagine that I am hiding under the table. And while your boss is expounding about the new marketing plan for your company, I'll be silently unzipping your pants and softly and gently sucking on your cock."

A twist on this is to require that the receiving partner report back at the end of the day on the effect the suggestion had; this report could be another fantasy that the first one inspired, for example.

Telephone Trysts and Phone Sex

Bonnie has a number of suggestions for and ideas about telephone trysts (her preferred term for phone sex with your lover):

As is the case for the next few sections as well, a lot of this section on telephone trysts consisted of lengthy transcripts and examples; if you would like to try these things out with your partner, and prefer to learn by example, then purchasing a copy of the book would probably be a good idea.

The Telephone Striptease

This builds on the previous section about telephone trysts, by describing how to strip and tease and have sex with each other (in fantasy) during a telephone call with each other. Most of the ideas in this section are conveyed by extended quotes and transcripts and examples, so you should probably get a copy of Bonnie's book if you're interested, but Bonnie did offer a few specific suggestions that bear on both this section and the previous one:

Phone Sex with a Professional

As Bonnie points out, "We could probably all learn a lot more about the art of graphic phone sex by listening in on some of the conversations that take place on these lines." The rest of this section consists of a relatively brief transcript of a fairly straightforward phone sex call.

Keeping the Spark Alive at a Distance

As Bonnie points out, the classic way to do this is to write each other sexy, romantic, or comforting letters. She points out that this can be taken a step further by giving specific instructions on how and when to read the letter, and what to be doing while reading it.

Sexy, romantic, or comforting audiotapes for your lover can sometimes be even more powerful. If you and your lover are regularly apart from each other for long periods of time, it might work for you to each carry a minicassette recorder with you for recording spontaneous messages to each other (mailing the tape to your lover at the end of the week or the month, of course).

Bonnie gives plenty of lovely and inspiring examples of each of these; please see her book if you're interested in reading all of them.


In summary, I found The Fine Art of Erotic Talk to be both mature and rewarding. I would certainly recommend it to phone sex professionals because of its material on "Sensual Speaking" (Chapter 2). I would also recommend it to people who are interested in erotic talk both in AND out of bed, people who are actively looking for partners, and people in long-distance relationships.

Advice from Books on Phone Sex

[Note for 2005: Both of the books mentioned in this section are out of print - instead, the new Greenery Press book Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills is probably what you want.]

Sweet Talkers by Kathleen K

If you are currently doing phone sex professionally, or are thinking about doing phone sex professionally, then this book is a must-have. No book currently in print, other than this one, is completely devoted to the subject of how to do phone sex well. Sweet Talkers was published in 1994, and some of the details of how the phone sex business operates have changed since then, but a full half of this 207 page book consists of something that can never go out of style: VERY hot transcripts of complete sessions between the author and a wide variety of her clients. These phone sex transcripts are, frankly, much better than those in any of the other in-print or out-of-print books reviewed in this set of handouts, and studying them would probably help almost any phone sex performer get more repeat business. The author of Sweet Talkers does not appear to be cynical about the industry, and portrays phone sex as a valuable part of the overall erotic constellation. She also seems to enjoy the challenge of doing her work well:

There is an art to sweet talk, to getting a man's attention, helping him focus his energy and bring it to a climax, listening closely for changes in his voice, in his breathing, in his longer and longer silences...each of them has his own style, a way they pace themselves, what they want to hear or say. The best operator is almost telepathic: a question or two, and she is flying into the guy's head, rattling his thoughts, making his mind leap and twitch, triggering old associations and making new connections with him. She echoes in his head for days. Exact phrases she chooses to hiss at him through the phone, of all the words she might have picked, seem to electrify his imagination....

Like any courtesan, successful phone friends project an air of interest and challenge; they allow the man to define his dreamspace and their place in it.

However, as I said earlier, the bulk of this book's value is in the approximately 100 session transcripts that it contains. I was repeatedly struck by how articulate they were, how naturally they seemed to flow regardless of the type of caller, and how quickly and easily they zoomed in on the caller's core desires. Here's a simple example:

"Hi, this is Jamie. How are you today?"

"Who were you talking to? Did I interrupt?"

"Nah, I've been waiting here for you, stroking myself and fantasizing out loud. I'd like to get my hands on your cock, feel my fingers curl around it one by one..."

"I'm not one of those guys who jacks off on the phone."

"Whoops, so sorry. Let me shift gears here. You don't have to jack off when you call...wanna talk?"

"Doesn't it give you the creeps, all these guys calling?"

"No, it gives me a job. I know they're going to fuck their fists anyway; this way I get a little excitement, too. It's a fantasy time, I'm your secret girlfriend, the one no one knows about."

"Do you think you're weird - I mean, because you do this?"

"No, I don't. It turns me on to be involved in a man's private passion."

"That's a pretty way to describe them dribbling come on their own bellies."

"Fucking isn't all that glamorous either, you know, when you get down to the hydraulics."

"But at least you've got two people trying to relate to each other."

"I reach out this way."

"It's so empty."

"Not to us. Those guys have fresh fantasies when they hang up the phone, a new shape to consider; vivid language ringing in their ear, a real voice, an impression, a hope, a feeling of possibility..."

"You make it sound almost romantic. You do sound very real to me."

"I'm just a whisper away, your big-titted wide-hipped bitch...stroking the firm flesh between my legs, it's hot and moist, smells sweet, my finger glides right down the slit..."

"Big tits?"

"Fill your hands up, baby. Heavy and smooth, cool, yes, female flesh, nipples puckered up, erect, think of them between your lips, your tongue licking that bumpy flesh, responsive to your touch."

"You're getting to me. You know that, don't you?"

"Running my hands up and down the smooth skin of my thighs, you think about crawling up between my legs, burying your face in my wet cunt. I'd grind right against your face, hold your head tight between my legs; drink me in, lover, it's open wide."

"Gee...I love oral sex."

"Lick it sweet for me, baby. Stick that tongue into me, taste that juice, sweet honey, my soft thighs around your ears.... Then I'd haul you up on top of me, kiss my juice right off your face, suck your tongue and taste myself, and you'd be slipping that dick into me, wouldn't you? Slide it in, every inch, spread my legs and open me up for your cock...make me take it, let me have it..."

"Fuck you, bitch, I'm going to fuck you."

"Come on, fucker, shut me up, bang it in there, pound me, come on, you fuck, you hot, hot cock, fuck me."

"Jesus! Jesus! Oh, my dear God! How did you do that?"

"Sweet talk, that's all it takes; now, listen, thanks for calling, bye-bye, baby, sleep tight...."

So in summary, this book is essential for anyone with an interest in phone sex as a career. It's also recommended for people in long-distance relationships who think that telephone trysts might end up being an important part of connecting with each other.

Call Me Mistress: Memoirs of a Phone Sex Performer by Natalie Rhys

So, this is the OTHER book devoted to succeeding as a commercial phone sex performer. It is unfortunately out of print, difficult to find in used bookstores, and has a publisher (Miwok Press) which appears to have gone out of business. In comparison to Sweet Talkers, this book has fewer transcripts and quite a bit more philosophizing on why people seem to need phone sex. I'm going to comment on Chapters 1-4 and 6, which contain most of the helpful material in the book.

Chapter 1: "What It's All About"

In this chapter, Ms. Rhys had the following general comments about the industry:

The particular service Ms. Rhys worked for asked callers what type of call they wanted, and would then pass this information on to whichever performer would be taking the call. Here are the types of calls they allowed their customers to choose from:

"Hot and Sexy"
A standard call. Often the customer requests specific physical characteristics from the performer, which the performer then pretends to have.

The customer wants to fantasize that the performer is having sex with another woman.

The particular service Ms. Rhys worked for used this as a "catch-all" term for any call that didn't fit in the other categories (though sometimes callers would request it because they thought "kinky" meant "uninhibited").

Strict Dom
The customer wants to be verbally dominated, humiliated, or treated as the performer's "slave."

Sensuous Dom
Ms. Rhys described these as calls where "The customer wants me to dominate him, but in a sensuous rather than abusive way; sometimes he wants to be tied up, but he generally doesn't want to be abused. These guys usually love to be teased."

This is the opposite of a dom call, where it is the performer rather than the customer who is being "dominated." Apparently these are quite rare; the author had only had a dozen of them in five years.

Ms. Rhys had this to say about the "transvestite" category of calls: "This is a customer who cross-dresses - likes to put on women's clothes (usually lingerie). Sometimes he dresses up while I watch and admire him ('You're so cute and sexy.'), sometimes I order him to dress up."

Chapter 2: "Why's a Nice Girl Like Me Doing This?"

Chapter 2 contained general insights into the psychology and dymamics behind the calls and callers. Here are some examples:

Chapter 3: "The Callers"

This chapter was one of the most practical and useful in the entire book. In it, Ms. Rhys categorizes the different types of callers by style (or "energy level") rather than by what kind of fantasy they wanted acted out; this is probably a more useful distinction from the point of view of the performer. She explained that she could get a sense of the caller's energy level fairly quickly:

I can usually tell within the first 10 or 15 seconds of the call what the caller's energy level is; I get cues from the tone and volume of his voice, the speed with which he talks, and how he responds to my initial conversation....

[While I'm describing myself] a low-energy caller will just listen, or he may just say "Uh-huh," as if he's bored with my description and wants to get on with the call; a high-energy caller will give me some feedback - maybe some remarks like, "You sound great," or "I love big nipples," or maybe just moaning.

In Ms. Rhys' experience, about half of her callers were "moderate to high-energy types - direct, clear about what they want, and easy to satisfy; the other half [were] difficult in some way." For example, with "dominant" calls, she would directly ask the caller what kinds of things he wanted. With moderate to high-energy callers, this would have good results. For low-energy calls, the caller would indeed have specific things in mind but would instead lead with "I'll do anything you want," and hope the performer would somehow drag out their desires or happen to stumble on them.

At this point in Chapter 3, Ms. Rhys described the different "energy level" categories she used. Interestingly enough, she saved the one catagory of callers she found pleasant until the second-to-last entry in her list (this, despite the fact that over half of her calls were supposedly pleasant ones...).

The Quiet Low- to Moderate-Energy Caller
According to Ms. Rhys, "the really low-energy caller is not really comfortable with his sexuality, doesn't have much imagination, and isn't able to give much; since he doesn't really know what he wants, I usually run my 'standard line' for the type of call he has requested." She did comment, though, that after a few minutes of her "standard line" she would try asking something along the lines of "Are you close to coming?" or "What can I do to get you to come?" in the hopes of soliciting more personalized requests.

The Lonely, Bored, or Curious Caller
These are callers who aren't really interested in doing phone sex at all. The curious ones may hang up quickly, but the bored or lonely callers were often quite aggravating and draining (in Ms. Rhys' opinion) because they put out no energy or feedback and often don't even want to talk about sex at all.

The Demanding Caller
These callers may be angry or abusive, ask a lot of intrusive questions, be drunk, or otherwise contribute little to the call. Ms. Rhys repeated her point that silent callers are the most draining and the least fun, but also expressed distaste for extremely drunk callers; she found extremely drunk callers to be almost impossible to get off, though they would apparently blame this fact on her. [As an aside, the service Ms. Rhys worked for would put a time limit on callers, but by getting callers off (after which they would typically hang up) before their time limit the performer could save a great deal of time on the call, and hence make more money during her week; since "getting the caller off early" wasn't possible with the more chatty or demanding callers, this dynamic may at least partially explain her personal distaste for this and several other of the categories listed here.]

The Invasive Caller
Ms. Rhys found some of these calls difficult because of the caller's insistence that she get off along with them (to insure this, they would tend to ask a lot of invasive questions). Although she would not answer their questions truthfully, she found maintaining the stream of fabrications to be exhausting. In other cases these callers would be less interested in getting off than in getting personal details about their performer, which similarly got tiresome for her. [As an aside, the distinction Ms. Rhys was trying to make here (which could have perhaps been more clear) is that it is when the customer presses to REALLY know what she was REALLY doing in her REAL LIFE, rather than accepting that phone sex is a fantasy and expecting questions to be answered in that spirit, when it felt invasive to her; in fact, her favorite catagory of callers (see "Participatory Callers" below) would often ask questions, but in the spirit of fantasy rather than invasiveness or mistrust.]

The Participatory Caller
From the point of view of the performer:

This is the caller who makes the job worthwhile. They know what they want and they ask for it. I do it, and they get off. They always thank me, often give me compliments, and say they'll call again, which they often do. They are not extremely quiet, extremely loud, extremely demanding, or extremely anything. They give and take. They are good to work with.

From the point of view of the customer, the key lesson to learn from this chapter is that by being detailed about what is going on in your ideal fantasy, fleshing it out and co-creating it with the performer, can make your phone fantasy seem more vivid and hence more pleasurable to YOU. Ms. Rhys gives the following exchange as an example:

"I'm lying here on my king-size bed. There's a fire in the fireplace and I'm lying here naked. Come sit on the bed beside me. Let me look at your beautiful body."

"I'm sitting on the bed beside you, showing off my tits to you. See how round and firm they are!"

"Your tits are beautiful!"

"See how hard my nipples are?"

"God, they're beautiful! My cock is so hard for you now! Look at it sticking straight up in the air!

"I want it! Let me take it in my hand and feel how hard it is!"

"Your hand is so soft!"

"I want to taste your cock, flick my tongue over it..."

This obviously takes some creativity and enthusiasm from the point of view of the performer, but as it seems to be more rewarding from the point of view of the customer I suspect the more sophisticated customers try different services until they find performers who can think on their feet and participate in their fantasy creation.

Regular Customers
These are customers who call back regularly and ask for a certain performer. From the point of view of that performer this is usually good, as (if you're working for a service) you may get paid more or (if you're working for yourself) the credit check process is easier, you have evidence that you're doing a good job, and you'll have an easier time with the call because you have a baseline understanding of what the customer is looking for. From the point of view of the customer this can also be good, as you are developing a personalized relationship with someone who can thereby better meet your needs. Ms. Rhys noted that some of these callers seemed to be just looking for pleasant, regular social conversations.

Chapter 4: "The Standard Types of Calls"

In the previous chapter, Ms. Rhys categorized callers by their "energy level" or style. In this chapter, she categorizes them by the actual content of their fantasies, using a slightly different set of categories then her service used (see Chapter 1). Each of these "standard types of calls" may be for callers who are "low" or "high" energy, of course.

The "Standard" Call

About 3/4 of Ms. Rhys' calls were of this type, mostly callers who selected the generic "hot and sexy" option when queried by the service. She would typically start with a verbal description of herself (made up, or based on what the caller requested when he called the service), and then ask the caller what he would like. At this point she could get an sense of whether this will be a "high energy" or "low energy" call; she would then run through her standard line for the low energy caller (who, to recap, would typically not provide a lot of direction or feedback) but in the case of high energy callers would first take the opportunity to talk a bit more with the caller about their preferences (since, to recap, these are callers who more readily provide direction and feedback).

Ms. Rhys would start her "standard line" by asking the caller to describe what he's doing right now, and then would go on to ask if she can fondle or undress him. If she learned at any point that he was wearing panties, a teddy, or other feminine clothing, then she would switch to her "standard transvestite line"; otherwise she would proceed to oral (or possibly anal) sex. If things seem to bog down she would ask a question or two (i.e. "Would you like to put that hard cock between my soft tits?"), but (especially for low-energy callers) would not let herself get fazed if her question didn't elicit a productive answer.

The Pseudo-Intimate Call

In Ms. Rhys' words, "These callers want our encounter to be intimate and meaningful rather than just fun.... To play this part well, I have to act emotionally involved rather than just sexually aroused." Ms. Rhys indicated that she often found these calls to be draining.

The Bisexual Call

These are typically fantasies involving the caller, the performer, and a third fantasy person who can be either male or female (two-women/one-man is the most common request). The caller typically pretends to have sex with the second woman for a while, after which he joins the menage a trois or else the second woman disappears from the fantasy and the caller has fantasy sex with the performer. Ms. Rhys did mention that it helps to visualize real people (using their first names only) as the fantasy person, which makes it easier to visualize and describe that person to the caller.

The Angry Submissive Call

Ms. Rhys uses this term to refer to calls where SHE pretends to be submissive while a dominant caller pretends to be angry with her. She commented, for these calls, that "All I have to do is respond, and the responses are usually fun to act out - sobbing, screaming, begging for mercy or saying degrading things about myself ('I am such a slut, whore, pig ... I need to get fucked in the ass...' etc)."

The Sensuous Submissive Call

These are calls where the caller is dominant, but not angry and violent. In Ms. Rhys' words, "Usually these are the ones who are into spanking or bondage, rather than beating and abuse.... [these calls] are great fun, relaxing, and entertaining."

The Strict or Heavy Dominant Call

These are calls where the caller wants to be firmly dominated (or sometimes humiliated) by the performer. Ms. Rhys explains:

Generally, submissives want to be spanked or whipped, fucked in the ass with various objects (dildoes, hot curling irons, etc.), have their genitals punished, be taken to some public place like a party, humiliated, and forced to beg for more abuse (or sometimes to beg for mercy). A common theme is for them to be raped, either orally or anally or both, by other men.... Dominant calls frequently involve group sex situations - being humiliated by just one person is not enough....

Most submissives ... will volunteer information about what kind of abuse they want. When I have to find out by ordering someone to do something and having him refuse, it gets tricky, because often one of the dynamics of the dominant call is having the submissive beg for mercy. Yet, there is a difference in the tone of voice when the caller refuses to do something, as opposed to begging me to stop while really wanting me to continue. When he refuses, he steps out of his submissive role for a time and just says, quietly and deliberately, "No, that's not my bag," or something to that effect. When he is begging for mercy as part of his submissive role, he protests loudly and vehemently: "No, Mistress, not that! Please don't make me do that!"

These types of calls are obviously simplest (from the point of view of the performer) when the caller provides guidance or feedback on what sorts of things he is looking for. In the case of "low energy" callers, however, Ms. Rhys had a standard line:

I start out by spanking and whipping him, progress to fucking him in the ass with a dildo (sometimes I strap it onto myself and sometimes I just hold it in my hand), then have him turn around so that I can whip his genitals. I often end up ordering him to masturbate with sandpaper. This last activity is invariably popular and almost always gets him off, especially when I exhort him to squeeze tighter, or I fuck him up the ass at the same time.

If more fantasy stimulation seemed necessary, Ms. Rhys had developed a few other options:

These include putting clamps on his nipples, having him immerse his genitals in boiling water, dripping hot wax on them, and placing rubber bands around the base of his penis or scrotum (he can remove these when he's ready to get serious and come). I can also order him to come in his own face, if that's possible....

The Light or Sensuous Dominant Call

The distinction is that "these callers are not really submissive in the same sense as those in the heavy dominant calls; they usually just like to be teased." Ms. Rhys had a "standard line" for these calls as well:

I start out by undressing in front of the caller. I describe my outfit - usually either a tight-fitting miniskirt with a low-cut, bright-colored blouse, black lace underwear, and black fishnet hose with high heels, or a tight-fitting body suit. I undress slowly, showing off each part of my body and telling him how wonderful it is, letting him watch but not touch me, no matter how much he begs (and he does)....

Finally I finish undressing, then come up close to him, giving him a better look. I let him touch me, but not as much as he would like. Often, at this point, I tie him down to the bed, then stand or kneel over him and tease him some more. Or I may bite his nipples or his cock (not hard enough to cause any real pain), or fondle or suck his cock, pointing out to him that he can't move or prevent me from doing anything I want to do to him. I try to elicit as much begging, pleading, and body-worshipping I think I can get out of him.... Eventually, I permit him to get enough direct stimulation to come. Sometimes I keep him tied down, while I sit on him and ride his cock.


In Ms. Rhys' opinion, "transvestites are the easiest callers to work with; like the callers in the sensuous dominant calls, transvestites are almost always participatory callers, sometimes even sensuous ones." She goes on to say, "Many transvestites like to fantasize that they are female, [and] they frequently want to reverse roles: I strap on a dildo and fuck them. However, she does note that "Not all transvestites actually want to be female... many of them just want to put on women's underwear. To these callers, I say things like, 'Feel how soft and silky those panties feel against your cock! Doesn't that make you so hot you can't stand it?"

[As an aside, I'd like to draw your attention to the fact that this book was written in 1993, and the transgendered community has changed and grown quite a bit since then. If you find yourself getting a lot of trans callers of any kind, it would probably be worth your while to read some more recent books on the subject.]

The Story Fantasy

Customers will often kick off calls of this type by saying, "I have this fantasy..." and then describing it in detail so you can enact it for them; these calls can be a lot of fun if you like being creative. It's usually best ask any questions you need to know in order to flesh out his fantasy as he's describing it, or at some other time before you actually launch into the fantasy. Ms. Rhys gives the following as common examples of story fantasies; note the recurring themes of "risk" or "power":

A variant of this type of call is one where the caller simply asks you to, "Tell me a story." Obviously, it helps quite a bit if you have an active fantasy life, have read a lot of pornography, or keep a notebook with fantasy ideas.

Chapter 6: "More Unusual Calls"

"Underwear People"

Ms. Rhys makes the following distinction (again, using early 90's terminology): "Transvestites [often] want to wear women's underwear themselves; underwear men want their women to wear it, and then they really get into the underwear itself, after it has the smell, the aura, of the body that it was in touch with. Furthermore, underwear men are only interested in panties; I never got one who was into bras or other lingerie." She goes on to say:

Sometimes these guys just want me to wear panties at the beginning of the call to help them get aroused; sometimes they want it through the entire call. And unlike the transvestites, who usually want me to describe the panties in detail, underwear men are more into the fact that the panties smell of my pussy or are still warm from my body. They may want to lick the panties while I'm still wearing them, or to rub their cock against them, or even to take the panties off me and masturbate with them. A lot of them can get off just on this stuff; they don't need to go on and fuck me or get a blow job or anything else...."

Generally, they like soft, silky panties, skimpy enough to show some pubic hear, but not too revealing. With these guys, crotchless panties are out: there has to be the enticement of hidden pleasures."


To callers, "She-Males" are people with bodies which are female in every respect except that they have male genitalia. These callers are typically intrigued with male genitals, and may be interested in hearing stories about the "She-Male" (the performer) having sex with "unsuspecting men" that she/he has picked up:

I tell tales of going into bars, acting seductive and feminine, then taking my prey home and tying him up and fucking him till he begs for mercy. To make this scenario properly juicy, I usually make the man in the story a respectable middle-aged businessman.

Foot Fetishists

Generally, what these callers want is for the performer to describe her feet in detail, making them seem sensuous and sexual, and then (often, but not always) to masturbate or tease them sexually them with her feet.

Advice from Books on Romance

Turn Ons: Pleasing Yourself While You Please Your Lover by Lonnie Barbach

It's always reassuring when great minds seem to think alike. Dr. Barbach's book had the following to say on the subject of erotic talk and phone sex:

When your partner is out of town, or when the two of you cannot be together for some reason, make love over the phone.... You can create a sexual fantasy, read aloud to each other from an erotic book, or just describe aloud what you are doing to your own body as you stimulate yourself.... Giving voice to your orgasm can be the most exciting part of all.

One woman I know dials her partner's answering machine when she knows he's not home and immediately hangs up [note: this whole thing is simpler if you can program your phone to simply do "one button" dial...] Then she masturbates, and just as she is about to come, she hits redial and has her orgasm after she hears the sound of the beep. Needless to say, her lover always listens to her messages in private.

How to Romance the Woman You Love by Lucy Sanna

This book had some astute and succinct advice on the subject of erotic talk with your lover, though most of it was devoted to the more general topic of romance (her big ideas for romance were: (1) it's the little things, at unexpected times, that can keep your relationship warm and affectionate without causing either of you more stress, and (2) that people love complements, and being asked about themselves):

Sweet-talk subjects include anything sensual: music, art, literature (especially erotic or sensual literature), food and wine, nature, colors, fabrics, and sex. Most importantly, sweet talk is about your partner.... Use a soft, low voice. Use passionate words that tell her that you want her. Keep the focus on her. Tell her wonderful things about her body - the way it looks, the way it smells, the way it reacts to your touch. Tell her how you want to make love to her.

Whisper words that make you feel that you are enjoying every moment with her.

Stay in the present. Don't talk about past or future. Don't think about past or future.

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